Tabula Inscripta
by starvingstudent
Summary: Kensi and Deeks in the aftermath of Season 9. Because they both have some things to figure out.
1. Chapter 1

_**Tabula Inscripta is a loosely translated latin term, meant to signify a developing mind that is still in progress and changing based on a new set of conditions (an opposite to Tabula Rasa, the blank slate).**_

 _ **Summary: Kensi and Deeks in the aftermath of season 9. Because they both have some stuff to figure out. Will be 6-7 chapters.**_ **I will be focusing mostly on core team. I'm also not going to be overly detailed in the rescue details, as I want to address the emotional story more than the physical one. I wanted to get into the meat of Kensi and Deeks's fight and issues. This story isn't going to follow them off into the sunset, but will get them back on track getting to their future.**

 _ **Each chapter will be from multiple POVs - the name will be in BOLD at the of each section.**_

 **Dreams with be in _italics._**

 _ **Some conversation has been written in Spanish (with attached translation). I used Google Translate, as I do not speak fluent Spanish. Please let me know if you notice errors.**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, or have any affiliation with NCIS LA.**_

00

 **Deeks**

 _When Deeks arrives at home, the sun is still high in the sky. It's solidly still afternoon, and not near yet to evening. He leaves his car unlocked in the driveway because he lives in a safe neighborhood. He opens the unlocked front door and leaves his briefcase on the bench in the front hall._

 _The air smells of warmth and spice, leading him towards the kitchen. He finds his wife by the stove. She's wearing a colourful apron and monitoring the stir fry with an overlarge spatula in hand._

" _Smells good," he calls to get her attention._

 _She turns, having not heard his arrival over the sounds of the cooking food._

" _I hope it's good," Kensi answers. "I'm experimenting with some new spices." She pauses. "I hope it's not too spicy."_

 _He steps forward and kisses her. "Look at you; going all master chef on me."_

 _She snorts a laugh and kisses him back. "Far from."_

 _He pecks her lips one more time before stepping back. "I'll be the judge of that." He leans against the counter near the stove. "How was your day?"_

 _She shrugs. "Fine. Just a quiet day at the office."_

" _Yeah, me, too." He smiles at his wife for a long moment. They don't work together anymore, and gone are the days of exciting workplace tales. But it's worth it, he tells himself. They are safe now, he tells himself, as his smile falls away._

 _Kensi uses the spatula to poke at the stir fry. The wedding band on her left hand catches his attention. Its match circles his left ring finger. For a moment, he spins the ring around his finger. It's somehow everything and nothing at the same time._

" _I love you," he tells her._

 _Kensi smiles at him, the same way he had to her. "I know," she says. "I love you, too."_

" _Are you happy?" He asks._

" _I'm with you," she responds._

 _He nods and steps away. He takes his time as he goes through the well-practiced steps of getting plates out of the cupboard and filling glasses. Gone are the days of getting home when it is well past dark. Gone are the days of takeout and disposable plates on the couch. Gone are the days of drinking beer out of the bottle._

 _Gone are a lot of things._

 _He presses a kiss to the back of Kensi's head as he steps by, heading for the dining room. He loves his wife. That is one thing that has not changed._

 _He sets the table and steps back to survey his work. He wonders if forks and knives are enough, or if they will need spoons as well._

 _The television is on in the living room and catches his attention. He steps towards it and reaches for the remote to turn up the volume._

 _ZNN is reporting on the terrorist attack from the week before. Deeks knows the basic details, but not much more. Below the main video feed, the ribbon slides along with news from the day. Death, accidents, drugs. It's mostly all bad news._

 _He shakes his head and turns off the television._

 _With the television off, the light in the living room dies down to almost nothing. He turns and finds it too quiet. He can't smell dinner cooking in the kitchen anymore._

 _He walks back towards the kitchen, but stops at the dining table. The plates, cutlery and glasses he set out are still there, perfectly positioned._

 _He wonders when he ever cared about setting a table like this._

 _He suddenly wonders about a lot of things. Like when did he stop caring about the news? When did something bad happen in his country and he doesn't know the details? When did he stop wanting to make the world a safer place?_

 _He stares across the dining room and through the living room towards the front hall. He cannot see it, but he remembers dropping his briefcase by the door. When the hell did he start carrying a briefcase?_

 _He swallows hard and heads back into the kitchen. Kensi is still standing at the stove, decked out in an apron, spatula in hand._

 _He wonders when Kensi started wearing aprons. She never cared if her clothes were spattered before. And when did she start to having boring days at the office?_

" _Something is wrong," he voices._

 _She turns to him, still gripping the overlarge spatula. It's wrong. She's wrong. Something is wrong._

" _This isn't right," he says._

 _She cocks her head. "What isn't right?"_

 _He waves his hand. "This day, this house, this…life."_

" _This is what you wanted," she says._

" _No, it's…" He shakes his head. "This isn't right. This isn't us."_

" _But I love you, and you love me."_

" _I do. I do love you." He waves his hands again, desperate to explain. "But I…"_ loved you before _._

 _She says something more, but he can't hear. Her voice is moving, but there is no sound._

" _What? Kensi?" He tries, but it is no use. She's gone._

 _And then, just like that, everything is gone._

000

 **Kensi**

When Kensi awakes, it's to pain and fear and heat.

She's disoriented as the world flashes around her.

The pain along her ribs reminds her she is in a car. She's being held on the driver's side by her seatbelt. Behind her, there is groaning. In front of her there is fire.

She inhales sharply as reality comes back. She remembers the ill-fated mission. She remembers refusing to get on the helicopter. She remembers picking up Callen and Sam, and trying to get away. She remembers not being able to get away, not being able to avoid the missile fired toward them.

She tries to talk to her team, but her breath is lacking. She sucks in as deep a breath as she can and ignores the pain as the seatbelt presses sharply against her damaged ribs. "Is everyone okay?"

Behind her, someone groans, but does not speak. She thinks it's Sam.

Finally, Callen speaks. "Okay for now, but the fire…"

"We have to get out before it hits the gas tank," she finishes, her teeth gritted against the sharp pain in her chest.

She looks down to her partner, expecting to see him looking back at her, but he is not.

He is limp and lifeless. His seatbelt is holding him in the seat, but his body is deadweight, sagging against the shattered window beneath him.

"Deeks?" She tries. "Deeks!"

He says nothing. He doesn't move.

"Deeks!" She yells again. She tries to reach for him, but can't.

Behind her, she is minimally aware of Callen forcing his own partner into awareness.

"We have to get out now," Callen says. "Sam's leg is bleeding a lot."

"I'm fine," Sam mumbles.

"You're not," Callen shoots back. "And there's no way I can lift you right now." He grunts in pain as he removes his own seatbelt. "Getting out through the doors isn't an option. We'll have to go through the back."

"Deeks!" Kensi yells again. "Deeks, please. Wake up."

As Callen prods a very reluctant Sam out through the back of the SUV, Kensi undoes her seatbelt.

As soon as she is free, gravity kicks in and she falls against her partner. The pain is overwhelming, but not nearly as overwhelming as the total fear at his total lack of response.

"Deeks, please, come on. Don't' do this to me." She swears as she tries to manoeuvre herself so she's not squishing him. It's burning hot in the front of the downed SUV, and she is worried about their air. With a shaky hand, she reaches two fingers to his neck, ignoring the pain it causes her.

She doesn't feel anything. But he's being hung up in his seatbelt and his head and neck are hanging. She's uncertain of anatomy in this position. She moves her fingers and tries again.

Suddenly, Callen is back and pulling at her.

"No!" She yells, pulling away from him.

"Kens, we gotta get out."

"I can't find his pulse." She ignores Callen and the fire and her own injuries. She only cares about one thing in this moment.

Callen reaches to undo Deeks's seatbelt.

"No, we can't move him. His spine could be-"

"The car is on fire, Kensi," Callen says sharply. "We have no choice."

When the seatbelt is undone, Deeks simply sags against the side of the SUV that has become the floor.

It's Callen's turn to swear. "Come on, Kens. You need to help me."

She tries to lift her partner, but the pain is so great and she doesn't have any strength.

"Get out," Callen says.

"No, I won't leave him." She ignores her pain and pulls with all her remaining strength.

Callen stops her with a hand on her arm. "You go. I'll get him out. You can help me pull him through the back."

She hesitates.

"Kensi! Now. Move."

Callen's sharp words move her into action.

She squeezes through the space between the seats into the backseat.

Callen is quick to take her place. He manages to lift Deeks and start to get him through the opening.

Kensi's body screams in pain, but she ignores it as she pulls against the deadweight of her partner.

Once he is in the backseat, they repeat the process to get him into the trunk area of the SUV. The supplies and weapons they had stored in the vehicle have been thrown around by the missile. She pushes away what she can to make a path.

She and Callen repeat the process one more time to squeeze Deeks out through the opening where the back hatch has been opened as far as it can be.

Once out of the car, Kensi is shocked by the temperature change. Her worry about Deeks had vastly overshadowed the heat of the fiery vehicle.

She tries again to assess Deeks's condition, but Callen pushes her away and quickly drags her partner across the roadway and into the tall grass about thirty feet away.

Sam is already there, trying to sit up, but mostly reclined. His leg is bleeding through his pants and his eyes are not focused. He is very clearly in no condition to help.

As soon as Callen stops, he rolls Deeks onto his back.

Kensi drops to her knees beside him and reaches her hand to his neck. Her arm is bloody and swollen. She can barely make her fingers work, and thinks suddenly that the arm is broken. She ignores the pain and reaches for Deeks with the left hand.

She doesn't feel anything for a long moment and yells things at her partner that she will not remember later. "Come on Deeks. Don't do this. Deeks! Marty! Listen to me and wake up!"

She feels a slight thud against her fingers, but isn't sure if she is imaging it or not.

"I think…I think I feel something." She tries to press down on his chest, but she can't do it. She cries out in pain, and then screams something indecipherable.

Callen is there, pushing her hands away. "I'll do it. You do the breaths."

Callen positions his hands and quickly starts chest compressions.

Kensi pinches Deeks's nose with her left hand, tilts his head back and presses her lips to his. For the first time ever, his lips are cold and unresponsive against hers. She pushes away a swelling of nausea and forces her own air into him.

She breathes for him over and over and over.

Her focus is on only Deeks.

She has forgotten about the fiery SUV. But she is reminded quickly when the fire reaches the gas tank. The resulting explosion is loud and hot. It assaults her senses and momentarily blinds her.

Kensi cries as she covers Deeks's body with her own. She is hit with debris, but ignores the added pain. As soon as it seems to stop, she is back to breathing life into her partner.

Callen is shouting at Sam to crawl up the hill through the long grass. At first Kensi doesn't understand, but then she remembers the bad guys are not that far away. She doesn't doubt they will be headed their way soon.

Their only chance would be to run and hide, and hope the bad guys think they blew up in the SUV. But that would mean leaving Deeks. And she will never do that.

"We'll never get away," Callen says as he continues to compress Deeks's chest over and over. "Help isn't coming. We tell them Sam died when the missile hit. He was still in the car when it exploded."

"Okay," Kensi says between breaths. The she shakes her head. Sam is hurt, too. And Callen…

"You should go hide with Sam," she tells Callen. "I can take over here."

"Not without you," Callen responds.

She looks up and their eyes meet for a moment. And in that moment, Kensi reads Callen's expression better than she ever has before.

Callen thinks Deeks is already gone. He is only doing this for her.

She refuses to believe Deeks is gone. "I'll stay with him. You go with Sam."

For a moment, Callen almost smiles. "You two…" He shakes his head and is serious again. "We stay together."

Kensi nods. "Thank you." She is terrified of what will happen when the bad guys find them. She'd not afraid for herself, but for her partner. He is not responsive. And she is not sure if his heart is beating. And if she and Callen can't change that before the bad guys arrive, then he will be gone forever.

"Come on, Deeks. Please. Please don't do this. Please breathe."

She can hear a truck heading for them.

Her eyes well with tears. "I'm so sorry, Marty. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry we fought. I'm so sorry I couldn't give you the answer you wanted. I'm so sorry. And I love you so much. I want to fix this. I want to figure these things out with you. Please, Marty. Please live."

Callen is swearing as several trucks screech to a halt. He does one more series of chest compressions and then jumps up and stands facing the bad guys, holding up his hands.

He starts yelling in Spanish.

Kensi is still desperate to breathe life into her partner, but she hears enough to know Callen is trying to barter their lives in exchange for money, information and Derek.

The only things they have working for them is the fact that the bad guys do not know they are American federal agents.

"Come on, Deeks. Come on. Please. Please wake up."

He doesn't respond.

She is almost out of time and she knows it. "Come on Deeks. Breathe. No!" She screams and she is suddenly and violently ripped away from her fiancé.

The man who grabbed her surprised her, but was not expecting the amount of force she could muster as she tries to get away. She manages to get free, but her broken body is not prepared to support her own weight. She falls.

She cries out as she lands hard. Broken ribs scrape together. Her breath forces itself from her lungs.

She coughs and sputters as her vision blurs. She tries to rise, but falls back down. She forces herself to crawl towards Deeks.

She gets to his side before she is ripped away again.

"No!" She screams. She struggles, but this time there are two men holding her back and they are prepared for her.

The General considers the situation before telling one of his men to check on Deeks's status.

The man walks up to Deeks and nudges him with the toe of his boot.

Kensi holds her breath.

Deeks doesn't move.

The man draws his foot back and hits Deeks hard in the ribs.

Kensi screams at him.

Deeks still doesn't move.

Then the man turns and addresses his General. "Él está muerto," he says coldly.

 _He's dead._

Kensi almost wishes she can't understand the words. But she can. Tears stream down her face as she stares at the body of her partner.

The General strides up to Kensi and laughs at her obvious grief.

"¿Quién era él para ti?" He asks coldly. (Who was he to you?)

Kensi thinks of all the things Deeks was to her, and the one thing he wasn't but she wanted him to be. "Él era mi esposo," she says quietly. (He was my husband.)

The General nods like he is enjoying the news. "¿Dónde está el otro hombre?" (Where is the other man?)

Kensi motions towards the SUV which is now slowly burning itself out after the explosion.

The General nods again. He appears to consider matters again, before telling his men to put Kensi and Callen in the back of one of their trucks.

Kensi is almost numb to her pain and injuries as her hands are bound together and she is put into the back of an SUV beside Callen.

She stares through the window towards the site of Deeks's body. The bad guys leave him lying there in the Mexican sun. The car begins to move and she turns her head, watching until she can no longer see his body. Then she turns to face forward and leans back against the seat.

Beside her, Callen reaches his own bound hands towards hers in an attempt at comfort. "I'm so sorry, Kensi."


	2. Chapter 2

**Deeks**

 _The day Deeks finally opens his bar,_ The Bomb Shelter _, is a busy day._

 _After weeks and months of renovations and finishing touches, he stands behind the mahogany bar and serves drinks to new customers._

 _There are more customers than expected, but his new staff handle it well._

 _It's just what he wanted. Except something is missing. Some_ one _is missing._

 _He doesn't expect it, but also really isn't that surprised, when Callen and Sam come in for a drink before the end of the night._

 _They don't mention her, and he doesn't ask._

 _And even though they all know Deeks wants to know, Callen and Sam say nothing time and again as they become regular customers._

 _It's a month later, when Callen and Sam come in with fresh scrapes and bruises, that any important information is passed between them._

 _Callen has stepped away from the bar to use the washroom. Deeks looks to Sam and feels understanding pass between them._

" _She's okay," Sam voices._

 _Deeks nods and hopes he looks steadier than he feels. On the inside, he is desperate for more._

" _We've got her back."_

 _He nods again and feels his heart squeeze in his chest._

" _That's supposed to be my job." It's the first time he has voiced his inner thoughts out loud._

 _Sam sighs. "It's not your fault you wanted out. You shouldn't do this work if your heart's not in it anymore. That's not safe for anyone."_

 _He still loves Kensi so keenly it's palpable. "The issue was never my heart."_

 _Callen returns and the conversation ends._

 _It's another few weeks before his heart gets more of the information it craves. And this time not from Callen and Sam._

 _His chest tightens when he spots her walk in._

 _She meets his eyes and offers a tentative smile as she walks up to the bar._

 _He smiles back. There are so many things he wants to say to her._ I miss you, I love you, I want you. I need you. I'm sorry.

" _What'll you have?" He asks as he reaches for a clean glass._

 _Her smile somehow grows sad and she blinks. "Not sure it's for offer tonight."_

 _He glances behind him at the wall of alcohol on display. He knows her drinks, and he also knows he made sure to have everything she likes available in case she ever walked in. He turns back to her. He doesn't understand what she said to him._

 _She nods gently, her way of telling him she knows he doesn't understand. "Surprise me."_

 _He does. He turns and uses the minute it takes him to make her drink to collect his thoughts._

" _It's really good to see you," he says as he slides the drink across the bar towards her._

" _You, too." She takes a sip. "This is really good, Deeks." She hesitates. "The place looks really good. I wish…"_

I wish we had done this together. I wish we were still together. _They both hear what she doesn't say._

" _Me, too."_

" _I miss you," she says suddenly._

 _He meets her eyes and thinks now he understands what she was trying to say before. He needs to make sure she knows exactly what is on offer tonight, or any night she wants._

" _I miss you, too."_

" _Do you think… Do you think we can get past this?"_

 _His heart leaps at the hint of another chance. But he is quick to sober because he knows the issue hasn't changed._

" _I don't know, Kens. I want to. I wish I had the answers."_

 _She nods. "Me, too."_

 _00_

 **Kensi**

Kensi is still numb when the truck pulls up to the same compound they had escaped not an hour earlier.

Beside her, Callen is silent. He has given up trying to comfort her. Now he stares out the window at the desert landscape.

The truck stops in front of Spencer Williams home.

Callen turns towards her and they share a quick look.

They are left in the vehicle for several minutes. Neither try to escape, knowing they will have no chance right now. They are injured. Their hands are bound together. There are too many people around.

The temperature is starting to climb in the truck when the doors are finally opened.

Kensi has barely started to turn towards the open door when a man grabs her arm and drags her from the seat. She tries to follow the movement, but her broken body cannot keep up. She falls to the ground in the dirt.

The man laughs at her and drags her to her feet.

Kensi bites back a scream as her numbness is overcome with her pain. Her legs hurt. Her chest feels like it's going to collapse on itself. And her arm throbs. The pain flares when the uncaring man clenches his hand around it.

She limps along with him, desperate for him to release her arm. She is brought to the bottom of the steps leading into the house. Callen is brought to meet her. He is also limping. Though he had been in the backseat, a little further from the impact, he hadn't been wearing a seatbelt.

In front of them, standing two steps up, Spencer Williams stares down at the them. He and the general exchange some words Kensi cannot hear. He then turns towards them.

He stares darkly at Kensi as his fingers brush against the bruising on his own neck.

When Kensi had wrapped her arm around the man's neck, her purpose had been to incapacitate him. Now she wonders if she should have killed him.

"What have you done with my son?" Williams demands.

Kensi pretends not to understand. Beside her, Callen does the same. It's unspoken between them that the only thing they have going for them right now is that Williams doesn't know they are American federal agents. If he knew, then he'd know exactly where his son was, and he'd know he will never get him back. And that would mean Kensi and Callen have no value to him.

"Where is my son?" Williams demands, stepping down closer to them.

" _Yo no hablo Ingles,"_ she says quietly. (I don't speak English)

Williams doesn't seem to question her and switches to Spanish. "¿Dónde está mi hijo?" (Where is my son?)

Kensi averts her eyes and stays silent.

Beside her, Callen takes over. Acting like he suddenly understands Williams demands for his son. He tells Williams they kidnapped Derek for money. He tells Williams their organization will contact Williams to discuss an exchange now that Callen and Kensi have been captured.

Williams screams at them, demands his son, threatens them. But he doesn't question their story.

When he yells himself out, Williams has the guards take them inside.

They are led to a room near the back of the house. It's a small bedroom with an attached bathroom. It was probably initially designed as a maid's quarters, but the bars on the windows and locks on the door tell Kensi it's been used for other reasons.

There is a double sized bed against the wall under the small window. There are no pillows, but there is a single blanket folded on the bottom. There is a small desk and chair on the other side of the room. The bathroom boasts a sink, toilet and stand up shower.

Their hands are unbound and then they are unceremoniously shoved into the room.

The moment the door closes behind them, Kensi allows the tears to come again. The physical pain is overwhelming and threatens to make her pass out. It still doesn't hold a candle to the emotional pain. Every time she closes her eyes, she sees Deeks's body laying abandoned on the edge of the road in the desert.

She limps over to the desk chair and sits. Her body is relieved to not be holding itself up.

Callen walks the perimeter of the room and heads for the bathroom. He grumbles and heads back out. He taps the walls, checks the vents and pulls on the solid bars across the window.

"The only way out of here is through the door," he voices.

Kensi nods absently. She had assumed as much.

"Ops knew where we were. They'll find Sam. He'll send them here." Although Callen says the words, Kensi knows he is hopeful and not certain. Sam hadn't looked very good after getting out of the car. That on top of his gunshot wound from earlier, and his survival isn't a sure thing.

Still, Kensi doesn't mention that. "He'll make sure to…" She trails off and swallows hard. "He'll make sure to get Deeks's body home, right?"

Callen deflates at her words. He's hurting too, but isn't emotionally compromised in the same way as her. Where he can push their loss out of his mind, she can't. She doesn't blame him for his focus being elsewhere.

He comes closer and kneels in front of the chair. He reaches for her good hand. "Of course he will."

She nods.

"I know how bad you must be feeling," he says. "But I need to know if you're with me?"

She knows what he's asking. Their only chance to make it through this is to do it together. He needs to know if he can count on her. He needs to know if she's going to give up or if she's going to fight.

She's always been a fighter. It's who she is. And it would be a disservice to Deeks if she gave up now.

"I'm with you."


	3. Chapter 3

_**AN – I've updated the AN in the first chapter, but as an FYI – the name of the person whose POV you're reading is in BOLD. Dreams are in**_ _italics._

 _ **I'm trying to update twice a week, as this story is mostly finished – Sat/Sun and Wednesdays.**_

 _ **Thanks again for all the reviews and PMs. I love hearing your thoughts!**_

00

 **Deeks**

 _Deeks is still in shock when he gets home. He's devastated and numb and angry all at the same time._

 _His mother meets him at the door, but he waves her off. He can't talk to her right now._

 _He makes his way down the hall and stops at the closed bedroom door. His mother had promised not to say anything before he got home._

 _There is a large yellow sun taped to the outside of the door, with the words_ Princess Sunshine _written in large, happy letters. The nickname started as a joke, but stuck as their daughter grew from infant to toddler to child._

 _He takes a breath and pushes open the door._

 _Kensi's mini-me looks up at him from where she is playing with her horse figurines on the floor. She smiles, and the sight takes Deeks's breath away because she looks_ so _much like her mother. Her long hair is dark and wavy. Her eyes are dark and seem to see right into him._

 _He loves being a dad. He has loved raising his daughter. There are so many good memories. And there have been so many moments he has known at the time that he'll remember forever._

 _He suddenly realizes this is one of those moments that he will always remember. But this is the first time it will not be a good memory._

" _Hi, Daddy," his little girl says brightly._

" _Hi, Princess." He shuts the door behind him and sits on the floor next to his daughter._

 _She sits on his lap so she can face him and reaches a hand to his cheek. "Daddy, are you sad?"_

 _He nods. "I am."_

 _She is an empathetic little girl. She hates for other people to be sad. But she is also young and hasn't known loss before. He hates that he is about to break her heart._

" _Is it the same reason Grandma Berty is sad? I heard her crying, so I thought I'd play by myself so she doesn't have to know I heard her."_

 _Despite his grief, he is proud of his daughter. "That was very thoughtful." He pauses. "And yeah, I'm sad for the same reason."_

" _What's wrong?" Her eyes fill with tears as she realizes that the thing that has her father and grandmother sad may affect her, too._

" _Daddy has something sad to tell you."_

 _She shakes her head. Her eyes widen as she realizes what this is about. "Where is mommy?"_

 _The tears that have been threatening to fall for hours finally do. What he's always dreaded has happened. "I'm so sorry, Princess. Mommy isn't coming home."_

00

 **Kensi**

Kensi sits uncomfortably in the chair while Callen switches between sitting on the bed and pacing. The walls and door have been reinforced and are nearly soundproof, so they really have no idea what is going on. Callen has done a thorough check of the room, and they are pretty sure there are no bugs planted. Still, they are careful not to say too much.

When the door opens, it takes them both by surprise.

A man with a gun steps in. He has the gun pointed at Callen, seeing him as the bigger threat in this situation. Callen and Kensi exchange a quick glance as they both realize this could be a benefit to them later.

After a moment, Derek's nanny steps in with a tray of food.

She meets Kensi's eyes as she walks over to the desk. Kensi says nothing and pretends not to recognize the woman. She realizes now that the woman is the only other person here who has any idea who they are. She's also the only person who knows where Derek really is now. This could work for or against them.

The nanny places the tray down on the desk and nods at Kensi.

Kensi thinks this means the food is safe to eat. She then reaches for her pockets and pulls out a handful of medical supplies; gauze, antiseptic, a set of small splints, a bottle of Advil, a few bandages and some wipes.

Callen had found some towels in the bathroom, which he and Kensi had used to wipe off the blood and dirt, but this is much better.

With another nod, the nanny silently leaves the room.

The man with the gun glares at Callen again before stepping out and slamming the door.

"Interesting," Callen says as he steps forward to examine their gifts.

"That was Derek's nanny," Kensi whispers when he is close to her. "She knows who we are and helped me get Derek out."

He nods. "Then her loyalty is to Derek, not Williams. Hopefully, this will help us."

He pulls the desk over to the bed so that he can sit on the bed and she can sit on the chair with the desk between them.

She allows her broken forearm into his care. He squeezes his hand up and down the arm as he assesses the damage.

"I can splint it," he says, motioning towards the splints on the table. "But I should set it first."

Kensi nods and closes her eyes.

Callen is quick as he forces her radius back into alignment.

She bites back a cry as pain that had dulled flares back to life.

"It's done," he says. He presses a splint to both sides of her arm and then uses two bandages to wrap it tight. "I'll re-wrap it when the swelling goes down, but that should do for now."

"Thank you."

"What else hurts?"

She cocks her head. "Only my legs, ribs, body and head. You?"

He almost laughs. "Same."

"Anything pressing?"

"I don't think so."

"I don't think so either."

They turn to food tray and share the meager offerings, washing it down with a bottle of water each and a handful of Advil.

"How long do you think we've been here?" She asks.

"A few hours. It's just starting to get dark."

"How long do you think we'll be here?"

He sighs. "Hopefully not long."

They briefly make eye contact and share a look of understanding. They both know no one is coming for them tonight. It's too soon. Hopefully, Sam has been located by now and a plan is being made.

Thinking of Sam brings her back to Deeks.

"I shouldn't have called him."

Callen's expression changes to one of sympathy. "Deeks?"

She nods. "When Mosely had him removed, we fought." She blinks half-heartedly against a new onslaught of tears. "It was stupid and not something we should have been talking about then. But it happened."

She sniffs and wipes at her face.

"When I found out we were leaving for Mexico, I called him to let him know."

She recalls reaching his voicemail and wondering if he was avoiding her call or simply wasn't able to answer. She had hesitated before speaking. She had told him they were headed to Mexico. She had defended herself. She had told him this was who she was, and that she needed to do this. She had told him she hoped he would understand. Then she had hesitated again. Her heart had tugged and her demeanour softened. Her voice had cracked as some emotion fought its way through. She had told him she loved him, and she had told him she wanted to work things out. She had told him she wanted to marry him.

She had promised to sit down with him and talk once she got back from Mexico.

She swallows hard now at the realization that they will never figure things out.

There will be no future with him. There will be no wedding, no marriage and no kids. There will be no hard decisions about leaving her job.

The thought that she now has no reason to leave NCIS does absolutely nothing to make her feel better.

"It's not your fault, Kensi," Callen says. "And even if he came for you, there's no way he came without help."

Kensi remembers how he had shown up on the runway at the last minute. He had been brought to them.

"Hetty," she says.

Callen nods. "That's my guess." He hesitates before continuing.

She stares at him, urging him to continue.

He sighs. "Also, it was his choice. One thing I learned about Deeks is that he never did anything he didn't choose to do. He wanted to be here for the team and…"

"For me," she finishes.

Callen nods. "He was a good partner."

She nods as fresh tears somehow find their way to her eyes. "He really was." She remembers now how each time he had mentioned them leaving NCIS, she had hesitated for a number of reasons. But a really big reason had been because the thought of not working with him challenged her view on the world. Even before they had finally gotten together, and before the months and years leading up to them going all in, back when they were just partners, he had been a person she relied on. He had been a person she had associated with the work she did and the good she tried to impart on the world.

To her, he is strength and support and saving the world.

She isn't sure where that leaves her now.


	4. Chapter 4

_**AN: Interest for this story has waned a bit, which isn't unexpected as I understand this type of story isn't for everyone. However, if you notice something non-plot related that rubs you the wrong way, please let me know. I'm always open to constructive criticism and looking to better my writing. This is especially helpful when trying out new writing styles like this. Thanks!**_

00

 **Deeks**

Deeks wasn't aware of crash, the aftermath or his fiancée's desperate attempts to keep him alive. He wasn't aware of Kensi being ripped away from his side as he lay unmoving in the dirt near the fiery car. He wasn't aware of being kicked in the ribs, or left at the roadside.

He wasn't aware when Sam crawled down from his hiding place and tried to wake him. He wasn't aware when Sam dragged him back up the hill to hide, and then did his best to keep Deeks alive.

He wasn't aware when rescue came. He wasn't aware of Sam cautiously calling down to the rescue party to confirm they were good guys.

He wasn't aware of being transported home, of the much-needed medical attention he received, or the fact that he and Sam returned home as half a team. He wasn't aware of Sam's stress and anger at the fact that Kensi and Callen had been captured.

He wasn't aware of the x-rays, scans and medication he received.

He wasn't aware of just how close he came to death.

When he finally wakes, more than a day after the incident, he remembers very little.

He recalls the case, being fired and fighting with Kensi. He recalls reaching out to Hetty for help, and getting on the plane. He recalls their inability to find Harley and the realization that she was dead. He recalls voicing his concerns. He recalls horses and tension.

He recalls a moment of relief, of the promise of safety for Kensi.

Then he recalls a moment of fear and then darkness.

Between the darkness and waking in the hospital at home, he has only a handful of foggy memories; muffled screams, someone yelling, maybe waking in a helicopter.

He recalls wisps of dreams, of possible futures; of boredom, loneliness and grief. He doesn't like any of them.

Now, though, he closes his eyes and tries to make sense of the fuzzy memories. He struggles at first to separate fact from fiction, dream from reality. He's still not sure he has it straight when he finally opens his eyes to take in his surroundings.

He stares around the room and immediately knows he is in a hospital. He glances down at his body and stares for a moment before the pain finds him.

His chest thrums with pain. It's like a living entity has buried itself under his ribs with the sole purpose of causing pain. Each breath feels like a knife to his heart. The shock makes his chest hitch and his breath stop, but panic hits him quickly when his lungs scream out in protest. He feels like he is drowning.

He coughs and splutters, which makes the pain even worse. The breathing, though, doesn't get better. He still struggles to draw air.

His limbs are heavy and pained. His entire body is exhausted. It feels like his muscles are overtaxed and shutting down.

He reaches for the side of the bed and manages to find the buttons. He raises the back of the bed so he is close to a sitting position. This helps a bit, but not enough. He still feels like he can't breathe.

On instinct, he finds the call button and presses it urgently.

A nurse is there almost immediately. She speaks in hurried words he can't follow. She says things like pain and medication and cardiac contusion. She presses some buttons and then he feels the pain lift and his eyes close.

When he opens his eyes again, the pain is still there. The drowning sensation is still there. And now Sam is there as well.

He blinks as the senior agent's face comes into focus.

"Sam," he verbalizes, though the word leaves him breathless and wheezing.

Sam's eyes snap towards him. "Deeks, you're awake. I'm sorry I wasn't here before. They told me you woke up an hour ago. I've been waiting."

Deeks blinks. He isn't sure he absorbed everything Sam said. "Kens?" He speaks.

Sam's expression darkens. "We're pretty sure they're being held by Spencer Williams. Hetty has a team on it, several teams. She's pissed. And Mosely has disappeared with her son. She's keeping me in the loop. I want to be part of it, but I can barely walk."

Deeks stares at him for a long moment, again, not understanding all of Sam's words. He notices now that Sam is in a wheelchair. He remembers Sam had been shot. One thing Sam said does resonate with him. _We're pretty sure they're being help by Spencer Williams._

He tries to sit up, but the pain is overwhelming. "I thought…she was…safe," he manages to say.

Sam looks concerned. "You're not supposed to get worked up." He reaches towards Deeks to settle him.

Deeks waves his hand away. "Where is my partner?" he demands. His body is pumping adrenaline now, and it's making him dizzy and light headed, but he needs to know.

"Do you remember anything?"

Sam's question temporarily stills him. He can only concentrate on one thing at a time.

He remembers a helicopter. Hadn't Kensi gotten on the helicopter? Or maybe she hadn't. Someone had. He can't quite remember. His mind is foggy and dark. "I thought she was safe," he says as the concern comes back. The fact that he is in a hospital bed now makes him realize he's forgotten a lot. "What happened?"

Sam sighs and tells him about the rescue of Derek. He tells him about the missile. "Callen got me out. I hit my head. I was in and out of consciousness. Callen and Kensi got you out. You must not have been breathing well. They did CPR until the bad guys arrived. They thought you were dead, so they left you."

Deeks is slow to process, but comes to one conclusion. "They took Kensi."

Sam nods. "And Callen."

Deeks sits upright and grits his teeth against the pain. His vision clouds and then clears. He swings his legs over the side of the bed.

"Deeks, you need to stay still," Sam says.

"Nope. I need to-" He cuts himself off with a gasp of pain when he tries to lean forward. He can't be hurt right now. He grits his teeth. He needs to find Kensi. He needs to save his partner and the team.

"Mr. Deeks!" An unfamiliar voice calls. "You have to stay in bed."

He struggles, but there are hands on him, forcing him back to bed. He tries to fight, but he has no strength. He is easily overpowered by well-meaning hospital staff.

His vision clouds, and he may have passed out, because when he opens his eyes, a doctor is standing above him with his arms crossed. Sam is still sitting next to the bed in a wheelchair. Sam look concerns. The doctor looks cross.

"Mr. Deeks," the doctor says, "Glad you're still with us."

"I have to go," he is barely able to whisper.

"You can't leave."

"My partner…"

"I understand the situation, and I'm sorry," the doctor says. "But I must impart upon you how dangerous it is for you to leave right now. You suffered a number of injuries, including a blunt impact to your chest. You have both cardiac and pulmonary contusions."

Deeks stares at the doctor as he tries to make sense of his words. On a normal day, he'd understand. But his mind is foggy and lagging behind.

"In simple turns, you've severely bruised both your heart and your lungs. Your body's ability to circulate blood is compromised. You're at risk of dangerous arrhythmia and even cardiac arrest. Not to mention, your lungs are not able to absorb oxygen like normal. You need to stay calm, keep your heart rate down. You cannot leave."

Deeks sags against the bed, desperate, but unable to physically fight right now. "My partner…"

"I understand your partner is missing," the doctor says. "But my focus is on your health. You need to stay here and rest."

The doctor says other things about his injuries and treatment, but Deeks cannot hear it right now.

Eventually the doctor leaves.

"How bad?" Deeks eventually voices, knowing Sam is still there.

"You? Really bad. I thought you were dead at first. Kensi and Callen? Bad. Spencer Williams has them in his house, we think. We need to send in a team. But if we go in too soon, we won't have enough information. If we wait too long…" He trails off, knowing they both know the end of the sentence.

"We need to protect them," Deeks pants as he re-settles onto the hospital bed. He still plans to get out and help his partner, but he just needs to rest first.

"I'm all ears if you have any ideas."

Deeks shifts and ignores the stabbing pain in his chest. He turns to Sam and opens his eyes. "Spencer Williams has them?" He knows Sam has told him this, but his mind is foggy and he needs to start at the beginning.

Sam nods. "We think so. The general took them, I know that. They wanted them alive."

"And there's been no contact?"

"No."

"Do they know Kensi and Callen are NCIS?" He forces out. It's getting hard to breath.

Sam pauses. "Good point. There's no reason to think so."

"If I was Spencer Williams and people I didn't know were feds took my son, I'd think they were doing it for money."

"Ransom," Sams agrees. "Good play."

"That would be Kensi's play," Deeks says.

Sam nods. "Callen's too."

"We need to make a phone call to Williams."

Sam is already pulling out his phone. "I hear you."

"Kensi pretended not to speak English when she took the horses in. She would continue that. It would be better for their cover."

"Good point." He calls Ops and begins to relay the information to Eric. Deeks tries to stay awake to hear the conversation, but his body gives out on him.

00

 **Kensi**

Kensi lays awake in the darkened room. The mattress is hard beneath her, but she barely cares.

It's quiet, save for Callen's soft snores beside her. he had offered to sleep on the floor, but she had protested. They may as well get the most sleep they can to prepare for a rescue they hope will happen soon.

Callen's been asleep about an hour. Kensi lays with her back to him, listening to him breathe. His snores are shallow and quiet, so unlike the deep breaths she has become accustomed to.

Deeks never snored. He mumbled, smacked his lips and sometimes talked in his sleep. But mostly he breathed, long and deep. His inhalations were slow drags of air into his lungs, followed by unforced exhalations of warm, moist air. Kensi used to wake up in the middle of the night and just listen. The sound was strong, male and _Deeks_.

She misses it now.

Callen's quiet snores remind her that she never again wake up in the middle of the night to Deek's warm body beside her. She will never again fall back to sleep serenaded by his breathing. She will never again feel his strong chest press against her back when their alarm goes off and he just needs a moment to hold her as he wakes up.

The tears come again.

She is quiet as she allows the large, hot tears to slip down her face and disappear into the mattress below her.

She closes her eyes and tries to remember the good times. All she can picture is his face, smiling at her. She tries to hold onto the image as her heart aches in her chest.

Eventually, her exhausted body gives out and she sleeps.

00

Kensi is awakened by the door swinging open.

She sits up and moves to swing her legs over the side of the bed. She tries to stand, but her body screams in pain. It's been a day and the inflammation and pain is getting worse.

Across the room, Callen sits in the chair. He stands.

The same man with the same gun steps in and points the gun towards Callen.

Then Spencer Williams steps in. He has a portable phone in hand.

"I just heard from your employer," he announces in Spanish. "It seems they do actually care about you. They want to trade you both for my son. I told them to pick one of you."

Kensi and Callen exchange a look. Following their previous behaviour, Kensi looks to Callen to take control.

"They'll never go for it," Callen answers in Spanish. "Your people already killed two of ours," he says referring to Deeks and Sam, who the bad guys think was in the SUV when it blew up.

Williams considers him for a moment.

"Our employer will be better to your son if you let us both go," Callen says. "Your son will be returned unhurt."

Williams eventually nods. "Fine. But don't think I'm not going to hunt you both down, and your employer, once I get my son back."

Callen nods. "I look forward to it."

Williams smiles. Then he holds up the phone and turns it on speaker.

"Your employer would like proof of life. If you say _anything_ I don't like, I will end you."

There is a pause, and then they hear a voice through the phone. The voice speaks in fluent Spanish, but they both know it is Hetty.

" _We're all looking forward to your coming home," she says in Spanish. "Are you both alright?"_

"We're both alright," Callen answers.

Kensi goes to respond as well, but Williams stares threateningly at her. She closes her mouth.

Williams turns the phone off speaker and holds it to his ear. "Do we have a deal?"

Whatever Hetty must say to him makes him happy. He nods. "I'll look forward to your call. And if you hurt my son, I'll-" He stops talking. Kensi assumes Hetty has hung up the phone.

Williams swears and shoves the phone back into his pocket. He turns and leaves the room without another look. The guard follows suit.

Once alone again, Callen walks over to her. "You okay?"

Kensi thinks before answering. "No. You?"

He shakes his head. "Not really." He pauses. "Hetty said they're _all_ looking forward to us coming home."

"Which is her telling us Sam's alive."

Callen nods. "That's how I took it." He exhales a relieved breath. Then he turns his attention back to her, looking suddenly guilty. "I'm sorry."

"Sam being alive is a good thing," Kensi responds. "You're allowed to feel good about that. _I_ feel good about that."

"You're right. I just wish we had two things to feel good about, instead of one good thing and one…" He trails off.

Kensi nods. The pain of loss has not gotten any better with time. "Me, too."


	5. Chapter 5

**Deeks**

 _Deeks doesn't remember entering the living room, but suddenly he is standing right in the middle of the room. On the couch, Kensi is burrowed into a nest of blankets. She's sitting with her back wedged into the corner of the couch. Her legs are crossed in front of her. A blanket is draped over her slight form. The clothing he can see under the blanket is large and bulky on her. Her head is tilted downward and her long hair is mostly obscuring her face._

 _Deeks frowns and steps forward, concerned._

 _Her body heaves and he knows she is crying._

" _What's wrong?" He asks gently, stepping closer._

 _She doesn't answer. She sits up and the blanket falls over her shoulders, revealing a blue sweatshirt he recognizes as his own. Her eyes are puffy and red. He thinks she must have been wearing mascara, because there are faint blank streaks down her cheeks._

 _He wants to go to her. He wants to sit with her on the couch and pull her into his arms. He wants to hold her as she cries. He wants to say something funny and make her laugh._

 _Somehow, he can't do any of those things._

 _He settles onto the coffee table, staying as close as he can._

" _Kens…" he murmurs._

 _She swallows hard. "What are we going to do?" She whispers._

 _Again, he wants to reach out to her, but can't. "Do about what?" He whispers, desperate to understand. She sounds so sad. It breaks his heart not to be able to help._

 _She doesn't answer, or even look at him. Her eyes are trained downwards._

 _It's then that he really sees her. She's swathed in his sweatshirt, but it's not loose everywhere. It's tight against her belly. Her hands rest over the bulge in the sweatshirt._

 _He's surprised and can't quite process what he's looking at._

 _He stares for a long moment before looking back up to her face. Her eyes are still downcast. Tears flow slowly down well-used tracks on her cheeks._

 _His blood runs cold as he realizes she hadn't been talking to him. He's not the other half of the 'we' she referred to._

" _No, no, no," he says, mostly to himself. When she doesn't so much as blink at his words, he says them louder. "No! No, Kensi. No."_

 _He stands, but can't move closer to her. He tries to reach out, but his arms don't cooperate._

 _He stands, desperate but defeated._

 _The details of the room come into focus now._

 _He sees a framed wedding photo on the wall._

 _He sees a new ultrasound photo laying on the side table._

 _He sees a crumpled funeral program laying on the floor. It has his picture on the front. He recognizes his birthday; it precedes another date that seems far too near._

 _He's not really here. He's left his wife pregnant and alone._

" _I'm so sorry, Kensi," he whispers, this time not expecting her to respond. "I wanted so much more time. I wanted a whole life."_

 _On the couch, Kensi pulls the blanket back over her shoulders and hugs her arms around herself and their unborn child. She finally lifts her eyes and stares towards him, though she doesn't see him._

" _I'm sorry," he whispers again. "I'm so sorry."_

 _The room around him begins to fade and then falls away._

Deeks jolts awake. His heart is beating painfully fast. He winces and clutches his hand to his throbbing chest.

"You're not having a heart attack, are you?"

He takes a moment to breathe, and then opens his eyes.

Sam is standing next to his hospital bed, a look of concern.

"I don't know. Would a heart attack cause blinding pain and shortness of breath?" He wheezes. He means it as a joke, but it falls flat.

Now Sam looks really concerned. "I'm going to get the doctor."

"Don't," Deeks calls before he can limp out of the room. "It's just the broken ribs. Oh, and the severe bruising on my heart and lungs."

Sam's jaw tightens and he shoots Deeks a disapproving look.

Deeks manages a smile, despite his pain. "Plus, you can barely walk. And I don't want you blaming me if you fall on your face and get more hurt trying to find me a doctor."

Sam glares at him, but his jaw has loosened.

Deeks may be drugged, but he is pretty sure Sam is trying not to smile.

"Seemed like you were having an interesting dream," Sam says.

"Interesting is one way to put it." Deeks runs a hand through his hair as he tries to blink away memories of what may have been the most painful dream yet. It's late, and he worries going back to sleep will result in more horrible scenarios for his future, or lack thereof.

He thinks of Kensi and hopes like hell she is okay. He really needs her home. He doesn't think he can spend another night without her.

He pauses on that thought and turns his attention back to Sam. "It's the middle of the night," he says to Sam.

Sam nods. "I have news."

00

 **Kensi**

Kensi is trying to sleep. Like the previous night, she lays awake on her side listening to Callen's quiet snores from the other side of the bed. Another day of grief has passed. The shock of losing her partner has lessened, giving way to a bone deep ache throughout her entire body. It occurs to her that this feeling won't be going away any time soon.

She misses him. She misses him a lot. She so wishes she could lay beside him now, listening to him breathe. She wants to talk to him again. She wants to listen to him make her laugh. She wants to laugh so hard at his antics that her ribs hurt from laughter instead of hurting from injury.

She runs her hand gently across her ribcage now. She is sore everywhere.

She is angry. She's angry at Williams and the General. She is angry at Mosley for getting them into this mess. She is angry at Hetty for leaving and giving Mosley the opportunity to take over. She is angry at Granger for dying and leaving a spot open for Mosley.

She is angry at Deeks for showing up at the airport. She's angry at him for dying.

She is angry at herself. She's angry at herself for the things she said to him. She's angry at herself for not listening to him. She's angry at herself for not getting out – getting him out – while there was still time.

She is angry at herself for being angry at him for dying.

The tears have long dried up, but the grief hits her in waves. She tries to keep her breathing quiet as she wallows in her grief and pain. She's determined to live through this and get home. She has promised Callen. And she knows it's what Deeks would want. But it's hard.

She is so consumed that she doesn't perceive the first set of noises.

The second set are so quiet that she doesn't notice until they stop. Their absence is just enough to make her realize they had existed in the first place.

The third set are closer, loud enough for her to just hear. A few muffled pops.

She closes her eyes and listens.

The muffled pops take on stronger characteristics. When they begin to sound like distant fireworks, her eyes pop open and she sits up.

"Callen," she calls.

Callen only needs one word to awaken.

Gunfire sounds from close by, probably just outside the house.

He looks to her and their eyes meet.

"They're here," she voices.

He jumps up and goes to stand near the door. She follows suit.

Only a minute or two passes before the door swings open. Two armed guards storm in.

Callen jumps the first one. He manages to get behind the guard and wrap an arm around his neck. The other guard focuses on Callen.

As Callen and Kensi had both realized on the first day here, they underestimate Kensi.

Kensi moves quickly. She is compromised, but ignores the pain of her broken arm. She reaches towards the gun with her bad arm. The guard notices and turns towards her. Before he can touch her, she drives the palm of her good hand upwards against his nose. Blood spatters, and his free hand moves to cover his now-broken nose. He manages to hold onto the gun.

Kensi reaches for the gun with her good hand now as well. When the guard resists, she drives her knee up into his groin. Hard. He drops.

Just a few feet away, the other guard finally manages to dislodge Callen. He turns his gun towards Kensi.

Kensi doesn't hesitate. She fires first. The second guard drops.

Callen stands and nods towards her. "Nice job."

"Someone had to do the heavy lifting," she says as Callen lifts the other gun off the now-dead guard.

He huffs at her, and glances towards the first downed guard, who is curled on the floor, one hand on his nose and the other clutching his own crotch. "Deeks would be proud," he comments.

Kensi actually allows herself a small smile as she lines up beside Callen, ready to fight their way out of the house.

A minute passes as the gunfire continues. She and Callen both know the dangers of jumping into an unknown situation and trying to help. It would be putting themselves and their rescuers in danger. Best to wait for now.

Another minute passes. Kensi can hear footsteps hurrying towards them. A shadow darkens the doorway, and then Derek's nanny appears. Her eyes are wide and frightened. She stops and stares at them in shock.

Kensi quickly waves her into the room and directs her to hide in the bathroom. She's the one person who has helped them, and Kensi wants to protect her.

Another minute passes before the gunfire lessens.

After that, the rescue goes quickly. The team Hetty sent for them makes it to the back of the house and finds them. They lead Kensi, Callen and the nanny out of the house and out of the compound. In just a few hundred feet a set of helicopters land, ready to take them all to safety.

The nanny is shuttled onto one helicopter. Kensi and Callen are put onto another.

Once air born, Callen sighs.

"What?" She asks.

He shakes his head. "This is how the first rescue should have gone. We should have had a better plan." He looks her in the eye. "I'm sorry we didn't wait for more support."

The look he is giving her is full of guilt.

She stares at him for a long time before nodding. "Me, too. But we can't change what happened."

It's not quite absolution, but it's what she can give for now.

He nods back at her. He understands.

00

 **Callen**

The helicopters land at a secure airfield several miles from Williams's compound.

Callen exits the helicopter, and then pauses to make sure Kensi gets out okay.

He is sore, but he is also certain that no matter her insistence that she's not that badly hurt, her injuries are much worse than his. She's always been strong. He knew the day she joined the team that she had what it took to work with them. He recalls sharing a look with his partner at the end of that first day a decade earlier. _Born operator_. They had both known.

Despite her strength and skills back then, she is more now. The years have given her experience and confidence. Working with the team has taught her how to be a team player. (Callen knows something about this).

But it's softened her as well. She makes connections and allows herself to feel the emotions taking place around her. She reaches out to the team for support.

Callen is pretty sure this was Deeks's influence. (He also knows from experience what it is to have a partner change him).

Kensi steps down from the helicopter behind him. She wobbles just slightly, but her gaze holds steady, not prepared to display any weakness.

Once away from the roar of the helicopter, the leader of the rescue team stops them.

"Agent Callen, Agent Blye, do you require medical attention?"

Callen looks to Kensi and she looks back at him.

"I think we'd rather get home before we stop for medical attention," Callen answers.

Kensi nods her agreement.

The leader presses his lips together in a thin line, clearly hesitant, as he considers Kensi. Despite her bravado and strength, she is very clearly in a world of pain. Callen hadn't realized how bad until now, when they're out in the open. She is slightly hunched and walking in short, stiff steps. Her injured arm is tucked in against her body.

But still, she holds her head up and her eyes shine with determination.

The leader of the rescue looks at her.

Kensi stares him down.

Finally, the leader nods. "Okay." He waves towards another, signalling their plan to leave sooner than later. "It'll be fifteen minutes before we can takeoff," he says, motioning towards the small plane a hundred feet away. He turns to Kensi. "Agent Blye, will you let our medic look at your arm? Looks like we need to reapply the bandage."

Kensi's makeshift brace had been partially ripped away in the struggle for weapons. One of the splints is gone, and the bandage is loose.

Kensi hesitates for a long moment. Then she nods. "Okay."

The leader leads them towards the waiting medic, but Callen is stopped part way.

"Phone for you, sir," another man says, holding out a satellite phone.

Callen takes the phone. He takes a breath before holding it up to his ear. "Hetty," he greets. "Thanks for the rescue."

" _How did you know it was me, Mr. Callen?"_ Hetty asks, ignoring his thanks.

"Who else?"

She doesn't respond directly. " _Are you and Ms. Blye okay?"_

His eyes drift towards Kensi. She is sitting on a small stool, her arm in the hands of the medic who is expertly reapplying a much better brace for her broken radius. Her expression is set and tense. He knows she is in pain. And he knows most of the pain isn't physical.

"Some scrapes and bruises," he answers.

" _Mmm,"_ she hums into the phone, disbelieving.

He changes the subject. "Sam?"

" _Your partner is fine, Mr. Callen. Angry he could not be there himself. But with the gunshot wound, blood loss and more 'scrapes and bruises' from the explosion, I made the executive decision not to tell him about the rescue plan until the team was already on Mexican soil_."

Callen almost smiles. "I appreciate that. Even though I'm sure Sam does not."

" _He is not entirely happy with me right now_ ," she admits.

Something in her tone catches him. "Is Sam there?"

" _Yes, he is. And he looks like he may actually try to take the phone away from me, so I better hand it over. I don't want to embarrass the man by having to take him down right here in the hospital_."

Callen actually chuckles. "Go easy on him."

Hetty tuts and then passes the phone to Sam.

" _I could have taken the phone if I wanted to_ ," Sam says in ways of greeting.

"You know you would have ended up on the floor, and she would have ended up with the phone," Callen responds easily. "And that would happen when you weren't injured."

Sam huffs, but doesn't argue. " _You and Kensi okay_?"

"I'm okay," he says. "Kensi…I'm not sure she comes back from this." His eyes again fall on the younger agent across the yard.

" _How bad was she hurt? Is it her neck again_?"

Callen shakes his head, though he knows Sam can't see him. "Neck is fine, far as I know. But Deeks…"

Sam practically scoffs, which Callen immediately pegs as unusual.

" _Those two_ ," Sam starts. " _He can barely stand on his own two feet unassisted and I keep having to stop him from trying to leave the hospital_." He pauses. " _Don't tell Hetty I said so, but it's a good thing she didn't tell us about the rescue plan until the last minute. I'm not sure I could have stopped him_."

Callen is silent as he processes Sam's words. "Are you saying Deeks is there with you?"

It's Sam's turn to fall silent for a moment. " _Of course_."

"He's in the hospital?"

" _Yeah. He's having an MRI right now. I'm standing outside the imaging department to make sure he doesn't make a run for it_." Sam's words are filled with humour, but Callen can't quite process what he is being told.

Callen takes a breath. His eyes fall on Kensi again. She's still across the yard, but the medic has released her. She stares back at Callen, her dark eyes hardened. "Deeks is alive?" He asks into the phone.

" _Yes._ "

"You're absolutely sure?" He asks. He needs to be sure before he tells Kensi.

" _Am I sure? Of course, I'm sure. He was barely breathing when I found him, but I kept him going until help arrived_ …"

Sam continues, but Callen's attention falls away from his partner. Kensi is suddenly looking at him with a different expression. Her eyes are filled with shock. And hope.

Callen realizes too late that he has forgotten she is an expert lip reader.

She hurries over to him. Her arm is now in a sling across her body.

She stops and stares at him, question in her eyes.

Callen nods.

He fiddles with the phone and manages to put it onto speaker. "Sam, I have Kensi here."

"Deeks is with you?" Kensi says before Sam can say anything. "He's alive?"

" _Yes and yes_ ," Sam responds. His exasperated tone disappeared as soon as Kensi spoke. " _Did you two…not think he was alive_?"

Kensi's eyes are filling with tears.

Callen shakes his head again before answering for them both. "No. No, we didn't." He had pushed Deeks's loss out of his own mind, refusing to truly feel it until he and Kensi were home safe. His focus had been trying to comfort his junior agent. Now, though, he feels a wave of relief.

Kensi takes a shuddering breath and then blinks back her tears. "Is he okay? Can I talk to him?"

" _He's…fine. Mostly fine. He'll be fine. He's having an MRI right now. I'll put him on the phone as soon as he's out_. _They said it could be up to an hour and a half. He's been in there about twenty minutes. He, uh, he refused to go in until we got confirmation you two were rescued._ "

Behind them, the plane roars as the engines turn on. Their rescue team is starting to board. The leader stands by the stairs to the plane, his eyes on Callen and Kensi, waiting.

Callen looks to Kensi. "We can wait."

She takes another breath and shakes her head. "I need to see him. Let's go home."


	6. Chapter 6

**Deeks**

 _Deeks is driving. It's not like he is suddenly behind the wheel, but he is suddenly aware that he is driving._

 _It's getting dark. He feels tired, but happy. He gets the impression it's been a good day._

 _To his right, Kensi is dozing in the passenger seat._

 _He smiles. Some part of his mind knows he's dreaming. He's grateful they are together and both alive this time._

 _Something draws his attention to the backseat. He blinks in surprise at the two blonde children asleep in the backseat._

 _His eyes drift back to the road ahead as he processes. He and Kensi have a family. He has children. He's a father._

 _The landscape around him is both familiar and not. He thinks it_ should _be familiar, like the dream family lives near here._

 _He wonders where they are going, where they have come from._

 _He gets the impression they are on the way home, but he can't say for sure. The road ahead is long and empty of other cars. The landscape is familiar, but also non-descript. He doesn't know how long he has been driving, or how far is to come._

 _Beside him, Kensi stirs. "Hey," she mumbles sleepily. "How long was I out?"_

" _I don't know." He hesitates. "Where are we going?"_

 _She gives him an odd look. "Home."_

 _He nods. That's what he thought. "Where are we coming from?"_

 _She stares at him, but doesn't answer._

 _He motions towards the backseat. "We have kids."_

" _Yes."_

" _Are you happy? Are we happy?"_

" _Yes." She says._

 _He nods. Again, that's what he thought._

" _How did we get here?"_

 _She doesn't answer._

" _Where are we? What's our life like?"_

 _Again, she doesn't answer._

 _He feels the pull of awakening. He shakes it off. He is desperate to stay in the dream. He is desperate for answers._

" _Kens, please. I need to know."_

" _You already know."_

" _No. I don't. I need… Please."_

" _You know." She insists. "You'll figure it out."_

" _What if I can't? What if we can't?"_

" _You already did once. That's why we're here," she says, motioning to their dream life._

" _But this isn't real," he argues._

" _But it could be."_

 _Her words take him by surprise. "It could be," he whispers._

" _We have everything we need to figure it out," she says as the dream finally fades away._

00

 **Kensi**

The flight home is relatively short, though it seems incredibly long to Kensi.

Part of her regrets not waiting in the airfield in Mexico to speak with Deeks. She had made the decision impulsively. The shock of finding out he is alive took her completely by surprise. After days of grief, she had known in that moment that she needed to see him alive in person to truly believe it.

However, another part of her knows if she had stayed and waited, she would have talked to him by now.

The thought of hearing his voice, of talking to him, of telling him how much she loves him, of how sorry she is, causes tears to well in her eyes. Sam had told her Deeks was alive, but after a several hours in the air, Kensi is starting to wonder if she was imagining things.

Their rescue team is quiet and sitting together near the front of the plane.

Kensi is sitting in a backwards facing seat against the window; her preferred position. Callen is sitting across from her.

She looks away from the window for a moment and stares at Callen. His eyes are closed, though she's not convinced he's actually asleep. She recalls her last plane ride, less than a week earlier, where Deeks sat across from her. She wishes now they had taken the opportunity to talk, to sit together, to seek comfort in each other.

He's alive, she tells herself. They will have the opportunity to work things out. She promises herself she won't be selfish. She will do whatever she needs to do to have a future with Deeks.

She will not risk losing him again.

Footsteps sound from behind her, and the leader of their rescue mission appears beside her.

"Agent Blye," He greets. "Agent Callen," he adds when Callen's eyes snap open. "We'll be landing in a few minutes. I'm told an Agent Thompson will be on the ground to take you to the hospital."

"Thank you," Kensi says.

He nods and returns to his seat.

Callen sits upright and stretches his shoulders back. "I'm looking forward to icepacks and Advil."

This draws a smile from Kensi. "Yeah, me, too."

"But mostly seeing Deeks, huh?"

She nods as tears spring to her eyes again. The waiting has been horrible. "Yeah."

He stares at her and says nothing.

She swallows and blinks against her tears. "I just can't believe he's actually alive."

Callen seems to sense she needs confirmation. "Me neither, but Sam seemed pretty certain. And his description of Deeks trying to escape the hospital seemed spot on."

Kensi smiles. "He's not that bad."

Callen shrugs. "He left AMA after the Sidorov case."

"To help us," she points out.

"And he ran through the halls of the hospital bleeding through his bandages after he got shot."

"He realized the bad guys were after me."

"Still, it's a pattern."

She shakes her head. "But there were good reasons both times."

Callen smirks. "Yeah. You."

She opens her mouth to retort, but realizes quickly that Callen has a point.

The plane starts to decelerate and Kensi can feel gravity getting stronger as it descends. She pulls her seatbelt across her lap with some difficulty. Now that she knows Deeks is alive and they have been rescued, her injured arm seems to hurt more. She is still wearing the brace put on by the medic after their rescue, but she has already removed the sling.

Callen offers her help, but she declines.

He doesn't press. "When we land, Thompson will take us to the hospital. You really need to get that arm looked at."

She nods. "I need to see him first."

"Hetty may have something to say about that."

"I don't care. She can fire me. I need to see Deeks."

Callen knows not to push and doesn't respond. He sits back and closes his eyes again.

They don't talk as the plane lands and eventually comes to a stop.

The rescue team departs, and Kensi and Callen follow.

Kensi is first on the stairs. She is sore and the steps are difficult. She keeps her focus on the stairs beneath her until she gets to the tarmac. Then she looks up, her eyes looking for Agent Thompson.

Instead, she finds Sam and Deeks.

Her breath catches. A wave of emotions washes over her, threatening for a moment to take her down. She staggers slightly, and rocks back on her heels, but remains on her feet.

Sam and Deeks are standing together about fifty feet from the plane.

She pushes forward and leaves Callen behind as she hurries towards them. Towards _him_. Towards the pull of her heart. Towards a future she suddenly has again.

Deeks is smiling when she reaches him.

"You're here," she says. Her hands fall on his biceps for a moment. Her pain is gone the moment she touches him, the moment she looks into his eyes, pushed aside by the elation of seeing him alive again. His skin is warm under her fingers. Warm and alive. She no longer feels her own broken bones or bruises.

"You're here," he echoes, though it sounds like an answer. Like he's here simply because she is. His gaze turns to her braced arm, but she brushes off his concern.

"Are you okay?" He asks.

She almost laughs at him being worried for her when he was the one thought to be dead. "I'm fine. How are you?" She runs her hands up and down his arms.

"I'm better now."

"Deeks," she whispers. Her hands leave his arms and wrap around his neck. "Deeks," she says again, her voice cracking.

He hugs her close. "I'm here."

Her chest heaves and the tears come. She doesn't even try to stop them. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." She heaves a breath. "You're here. You're here."

"I'm here," he says again.

She closes her eyes and presses her face into his shoulder. Her arms tighten around him. Her hands grip at the fabric of the sweatshirt he is wearing. "You didn't leave. Please don't leave me. Please don't leave."

"Never," he assures. "Never, never. I'm not going anywhere."

She cries into him, relieved and devastated and suffering. Her chest heaves as her heart swells. She holds on tight. She wants never to let him go. Two days without him were long enough. She is not doing this again.

"I'm here, Kensi," he says again. "I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. You're not alone." He twists his neck to press a kiss to the corner of her head. "I love you."

"I love you so much," she whispers. "I'm so glad you're okay."

"I'm not going anywhere," he whispers back. Then he sags slightly against her, and she stiffens. He's normally so strong and tall, but his stature seems to be getting shorter.

"Deeks?" She questions, starting to step back from the hug.

"m' okay," he says, though he looks anything but.

"Okay," Sam says, still standing beside him, as he reaches out to catch Deeks under the arm. "This is why I told you to stay in the hospital."

Deeks makes a face. "Couldn't wait."

Kensi tries to help hold him up, but her own body is too compromised.

"I got him," Sam says. He motions behind them several feet. "Get the wheelchair."

Kensi does so quickly. She pushes the wheelchair up behind Deeks and holds it while he sits with Sam's support.

Once he is seated, Kensi circles and drops to her knees in front of Deeks. She rests her elbows on his knees and grips his forearm with her good hand. "How bad?"

He shakes his head, though he is clearly winded. "Not bad."

Sam grumbles, but doesn't say anything. Callen has reached them, and he and Sam hug.

"Deeks," she prompts, squeezing his arm.

He wraps both hands around her good one. "I'm going to be fine."

She squeezes his hands. "How bad?" She asks again, softly.

He sighs. "I have some bruising around my heart and lungs. I need to take it easy for a while."

"Why are you here?" She whispers. "I could have come to you."

"I wanted to come to you. Plus, Sam offered."

Sam scoffs. "I most certainly did not," he announces. He looks to Kensi and she stands up. He steps forward to hug her before continuing. "I'm glad you're okay."

"You, too," she says.

Sam nods. "Your partner is a very stubborn man."

Kensi feels her lips quirk upwards at Sam's words, despite the situation.

"That is not true," Deeks says. He reaches a hand towards Kensi and she wraps her good hand around his fingers.

"He threatened to walk here if I didn't drive him," Sam says. "And he meant it."

"He's just easy to manipulate," Deeks says.

Sam considers a retort, but then his expression softens and he takes a moment to take in all of his team members. He doesn't need to say anything. They all understand. He's felt the sting of loss and he came too close to feeling it again.

Deeks squeezes Kensi's hand. She squeezes back. They have a lot to say, but right now this is enough.

"We're okay," Kensi whispers.

"Let's get out of here," Sam says.

He leads them to an SUV. Agent Thompson is waiting patiently. He smiles at Kensi and Callen, and tells them he's glad to see them home safe.

Deeks is able to stand on his own two feet and slide into a bucket seat next to the door. He is asleep before the car starts to move.

Kensi sits behind him, and is unable to keep from touching him. She reaches her good hand to run through his hair. And then she rests it on his shoulder. She leans forwards and presses her forehead against the back of his seat. She's cried more in the last couple days than in the last year, but her body apparently still has more tears to shed.

She cries quietly. She cries in relief that he really is alive. She cries in fear that he may not truly be okay. She cries for the pain she is feeling, and the pain she knows he is feeling. She cries in relief that the team is still together. She cries because the mosaic of emotions in her head are so strong she can't not cry.

Sam, who is sitting in the seat next to Deeks, reaches back to squeeze her shoulder in silent support.

She looks up for a moment and meets his eyes. He looks both full of relief and full of want. She realizes she has gotten what he didn't get. A true second chance.

Kensi nods at Sam as he releases her shoulder. She presses her forehead back down against the seat and closes her eyes. Her hand grips Deeks's shoulder, feels his warmth. She's been given a gift and she will always remember it.

When they arrive at the hospital, Deeks is easy to wake and slides back out of the car into the waiting wheelchair. Callen pushes the wheelchair as Sam leads them back up to Deeks's room.

"He'll be in here at least another couple of days," Sam explains. "I got released this morning."

Kensi pulls the sheets back as Deeks gets himself back into the hospital bed. She recalls him doing this for her so many times during her last recovery. He lays against the raised back of the bed and closes his eyes. He's clearly exhausted.

Once he is settled, she sits in the chair by his bedside. She reaches for his hand. His eyes are closed, but she knows he isn't sleeping.

Sam clears his throat loudly, and then does it again.

"What?" She asks.

"I'm supposed to take you and Callen to the ER."

Callen argues with Sam, and Kensi ignores him.

She allows herself a small smile as she listens to Sam and Callen argue. Eventually, Callen relents.

"Come on, Kensi. He'll be fine for an hour or two."

She shakes her head. "I need more time." She turns to look at Sam. She spent so much time thinking he was dead. She needs more time now to adjust to him being alive.

He stares her down for a long moment before his expression falters. He nods. "Fine. Stay with Deeks while I take Callen down to the ER and check him in-"

"I don't need a babysitter," Callen cuts off his partner.

"We both know if I don't go with you, you won't go," Sam argues. He turns back to Kensi. "I'm checking Callen in and then coming back for you."

"Okay," she agrees.

"And if Hetty asks, you came right away."

"Okay," she agrees again.

"And if Hetty asks," Deeks speaks up, his eyes still closed, "I didn't leave the hospital."

Kensi actually laughs. "Okay."

Callen and Sam leave the room, but the moment the door is shut, it swings open again.

A doctor walks in, an unhappy expression on his face. "Detective Deeks, so nice to see you again," he says dryly. He goes about reattaching Deeks to several monitors.

"Hey, doc, must have missed you before," Deeks says, opening his eyes.

"You missed me because you weren't here. Where you need to be right now."

Kensi can see Deeks consider continuing his charade, but decides to stop. She wonders if he gives up because he is too tired to continue. "I'm here now," he tells the doctor. "And not planning on going anywhere in the near future."

The doctor turns his attention to Kensi. "Who are you?"

"I'm his…" She falters for just a moment. The doctor's bluntness takes her by surprise. She remembers that she doesn't truly know where they stand. She is grateful he is alive, and she plans to spend the rest of her life with him, no matter what. But-

"My fiancée," Deeks answers easily in her silence.

Kensi feels her heart swell at his certainty.

The doctor nods, having missed the importance of Deek's words. He continues to address Kensi. "I understand there are exceptional circumstances and his partner is missing," the doctor continues. "But it is imperative he rest."

Kensi squeezes Deeks's hand as she looks to the doctor. "She's not missing anymore."

The doctor's sternness falters and his eyes shift between Deeks and herself. "I'm sorry," he offers. "When they said it was your partner, I thought they meant…"

"That kind of partner, too," Deeks answers.

The doctor offers them both a smile. "I'm glad you're both okay." He looks at Kensi. "You look like you need medical attention."

"I will. I just need a few minutes."

"Okay. But if you're still here when I come by for my evening rounds and there's no hospital bracelet on your wrist, I will have you escorted to the ER."

Kensi smiles. "Okay."

"And, you," the doctor says, turning to Deeks. "If I find this room empty again, I will have the nurses restrain you."

"Noted," Deeks says.

Kensi bites back a smile.

"He and Sam should be friends," Deeks says dryly after the doctor has left.

Kensi laughs, but quiets quickly. "How bad?" She's asked this question three times now, but this time she is looking for more than a simple status. She is looking for details. She is looking for a prognosis and long-term plan. This is the man she is going to marry and spend the rest of her life with. She will be part of his recovery. She will make sure he knows exactly how committed she is.

"Not that bad," he says.

She stares at him and raises an eyebrow.

"Okay," he relents. "Bad. But in a stable, I'm going to be okay, kind of way."

"You said there was some bruising…"

He nods and lays his free hand over his chest. "Blunt force trauma to the chest. I have cardiac and pulmonary contusion, which means-"

"Bruising around the heart and lungs," she translates.

He nods.

"Okay." She nods to herself. "How do we fix it?"

He smiles at her use of the word 'we.' He squeezes her hand. "Just rest and time."

She frowns. She doesn't like passive plans. She wants something to do to help. She wants to take action.

He keeps smiling at her. "I know that's not a Kensi-type plan, but the doctor assures me rest is the most important thing now."

She cocks her head. "Does that mean you expect me to wait on you hand and foot?"

He laughs. It's short lived, and causes him to grimace in pain, but he laughs. "Would you wear a maid's uniform with the short skirts and the ruffles?"

She snorts a laugh, and then also grimaces in pain. "Only if the doctor thinks it will help you get better."

Deeks frowns. "Dr. Serious isn't exactly going for some radical treatment like that."

She smiles at him before sobering. "What do we need to watch out for?"

He lays his head back and turns it towards her, tired but wanting to talk. "The bruising around the lungs prevents me from getting as much oxygen as I would like, so that's annoying, but should heal eventually."

She nods. "And the heart?"

"The muscle is bruised. Sometimes the heart rate drops or beats out of rhythm."

"How badly out of rhythm?"

"Sometimes faster, sometimes slower. Sometimes really faint. That's probably what was happening after the explosion." He pauses. "Sam said you thought I was dead."

"Yeah. Yeah, I did." She manages to answer without crying.

"I'm so sorry, Kensi. I never wanted you to know what that felt like."

Now she cries. Maybe she needed to feel it, she thinks, to see the bigger picture.

"Callen and I got you out of the car. You weren't breathing. I couldn't find a pulse. We tried CPR. Then the bad guys showed up and we couldn't continue. They ripped me away from you."

He squeezes her hand. "I'm so sorry, Kensi. But I'm here and I'm going to be okay."

She attempts a smile.

"Sam said I was barely breathing when he found me," Deeks continues, telling her what happened after. "He said my heart was beating in and out of normal rhythm. He did what he could to keep me stable until help arrived."

"Do you remember any of it?"

He shakes his head. "I don't even remember the explosion. I just remember waking up here." He takes a breath and releases it slowly. "And you weren't here." His lips press and release. "I was so worried and I couldn't do anything to help get you back."

She squeezes his hand. "I'm here now. We're both here and we're both going to be okay."

He squeezes back. "I love you, Kensi. I love you so much."

"I love you, too." She stands and leans over the kiss him. She's not sure why it's taken her so long to do so. His lips are warm and responsive against hers. He's alive.

"Thank you for calling me your fiancée," she whispers.

"That's what you are, right?"

She nods. "Yeah. I am."

He blinks hard, as if he is fighting fatigue. "I never meant…"

"We can talk later," she says, squeezing his hand as she sits down. He's clearly exhausted from his escape from the hospital.

"I'm okay to talk now."

She shakes her head. "You're exhausted. And Sam is going to be back soon to force me down to the ER."

"I'm not afraid to talk now," he says.

"I know. But talking when it wasn't a good time is what got us into trouble last time."

He stares at her for a moment and then nods. "Okay. You go to the ER, I'll get some sleep, and then we'll talk."

She stands and bends to kiss him again, just because she can. She thinks she's going to be kissing him a lot now, just because she can.

"I do have to say one thing," he says once she sits down again. "I never meant I didn't want to marry you. Not ever. I just…" He trails off for a minute. He runs a hand through his hair. "I've been having these crazy dreams. All these futures we could have. Sometimes one or both of us are dead. But the worst ones are when we're alive and not together. Because then we're not even trying."

Kensi nods as she tries to follow what he is telling her.

"I want to marry you. I want to marry you more than anything" He says. "I want us to talk about what we want in our future, before we get married. Because on our wedding day I want to be able to look at you, and dance with you, and make love to you, and _know_ what our future is going to look like."

She drops his hand and reaches to run her fingers through his hair. "I want that, too."

"I'm sorry I wasn't there with you and Callen," he whispers as sleep starts to drag him down. He's said what he needed to say to her, and now he needs to rest.

Rest and time, she reminds herself. He will be okay with rest and time.

"You were right where you needed to be," she assures him.

"I'm sorry you thought I was dead."

"It's not your fault." He keeps running her fingers through his hair as his eyes close.

"You're stuck with me," he mumbles. "I'm not going anywhere."

Kensi smiles. "Good."


	7. Chapter 7

**Deeks**

If Deeks dreams, he doesn't remember it when he wakes up.

He wakes easily, feeling something close to rested for the first time since he woke in the hospital to discover Kensi wasn't there with him.

He blinks away the fuzz of sleep and turns his head to find he is not alone.

Callen sits in the chair next to his bed. The senior agent is bruised, but doesn't appear overly battered from his brief captivity.

"Deeks," Callen greets.

"Callen." He turns his head. "Where's Kens?"

Callen snorts. Deeks gets the impression the older man is fighting the urge to roll his eyes. "Am I not pretty enough for you, Deeks?"

It's Deeks's turn to snort a laugh. "First of all, I didn't mean not to appreciate your presence. And second, no. No, you're not pretty enough for me."

Callen chuckles, but answers his original question. "Kensi was here for a while, but you were sleeping. Hetty had some clothes sent over for us. The nurses offered her use of a shower, so she's getting cleaned up."

Deeks nods. He realizes now that Callen is in a fresh set of clothes. He must also have cleaned up.

"How long was I out?"

"A few hours."

Deeks glances towards the window. It's still light out, but definitely not as bright as earlier. It's getting late. He turns back to Callen. "Are you okay? You got checked out, right?"

Callen nods. "Nothing Advil and ice won't cure."

Deeks nods, knowing he won't get more out of Callen about his own condition. "That's good."

"It may take a bit more than Advil and ice for you, though," Callen comments.

Deeks attempts to look nonchalant, but knows his shrug is far too stiff to look real. "Rest and time," he says. "I'll be fine. It'll just take some time."

Callen considers him for a long moment. He doesn't show any emotion, but his expression softens. "I'd like to apologize."

Deeks waves him off. "Don't worry about it."

Callen shakes his head. "No. It's important. I let Mosley control me. And she knew that controlling me would control the team."

"She was desperate to get her son," Deeks says. "I get that. I always got that."

"But you didn't like the way we were going about it. And you were right. We didn't have to hurry to go in. We should have waited until we had a better plan and more backup."

Deeks nods. "Yes, we should have. But we're all here now, and we're all going to be okay. And we got Derek back to his mom."

Callen stares at him for a long moment, and then nods. "I'm glad you're okay. Kensi and I…" He shakes his head. "I thought for sure you were dead."

Deeks swallows hard. Sam had told him Kensi and Callen had thought he was dead. But having heard it now straight from Kensi and Callen makes him realize how close he had come. And makes him realize how long Kensi had lived thinking him gone forever.

"I'm glad I'm not dead," Deeks offers.

Callen smiles. "Me, too. It was a long couple days."

"Kensi…?"

"She was devastated, but she stayed strong. Strong because she had to be, not because she wanted to be. She never gave up."

Deeks runs a hand through his hair. He recalls living with the knowledge she was dead, but only for a few hours. Not days.

"Of course, the bad guys underestimated her," Callen says, moving away from the deeper conversation.

Deeks smiles. "They usually do." He pauses. "No one hurt her?"

"Oh, they tried," Callen offers.

"What did she do to them?" He asks, smirking. Over Callen's shoulder, he spots his fiancée step into the room, Sam behind her.

"One, she shot. The other she kicked in the groin. After breaking his nose."

Deeks can't help but laugh. Behind Callen, Kensi is rolling her eyes. "That's my girl," Deeks says proudly.

Callen doesn't react to Kensi and Sam walling in behind him. He had clearly heard them come in. "Just make sure you don't ever piss her off."

Deeks chuckles. "Noted."

Kensi mumbles something about privacy as she steps around to the free side of the hospital bed. She bends down and kisses Deeks. "Glad to see you're awake."

"Glad to be awake," Deeks replies. He smiles as he takes her in. She is wearing yoga pants and a red tee shirt. Her broken arm is secured in an aircast and hanging in a sling. Her hair is wet and pulled back into a pony tail. She looks much better than she had getting off the plane hours earlier.

Sam sets a plastic bag and a tray of drinks down on the table by the bedside. "You need anything else?" He asks Kensi.

Kensi shakes her head. "No. Thanks, though." She turns to Deeks. "I got us some food, and thankfully bumped into Sam. Otherwise it would have taken two trips to get it up here with one arm."

"You're back in the sling," Callen comments.

Kensi rolls her eyes. "Deeks's doctor caught me without it and threatened to block me from his room."

Deeks laughs. "Dr. Serious is pretty serious about treatment plans."

Sam huffs. "Treatment plans are important."

"I'm sorry," Kensi retorts, "Exactly how many _hours_ did you stay in the hospital after you got _shot_ last week? Was that part of your treatment plan?"

"Ooh, touché," Deeks says.

"Touche," Kensi retorts immediately.

He sighs. "That's not…" He trails off and shakes his head.

"On that note," Sam says. "Callen and I are going to take off. We'll be back in the morning. Kensi, you need a ride?"

Kensi shakes her head. "I'm not leaving."

Sam takes a breath, but doesn't argue.

The senior partners say their goodbyes and leave.

"Alone at last," Kensi announces. She ducks to kiss him again. Then she sits and reaches for the bag of food. "I wasn't sure what you could eat, so I got a bit of everything."

"I can eat," he answers. "Just slow and small amounts at a time."

She pulls out a wrapped sandwich and offers him half.

"Thank you," he says. The sandwich is simple, just turkey and lettuce, but it's fresh and tasty. He hasn't been very hungry, what with the injuries and missing Kensi. But now it's nice to sit and do something normal. He takes small bites and takes his time chewing.

"I'm starving," she says. "Our rescues team had protein bars for us on the plane. But what I really wanted was a burger."

He laughs. "You should have gotten one."

"Cafeteria didn't have any, or I would have." She smiles at him.

They chew quietly for a minute. Deeks nibbles away at his half of the sandwich. Kensi quickly finishes hers. She pulls out a pastry and holds it out to him. He shakes his head. She is quick to finish it as well.

She grabs a bottle of water from the tray of drinks Sam had carried. She downs half of it before offering it to Deeks. He takes it from her with a smile and takes two sips before handing it back.

Finally finished, Kensi sits back in her chair, sated and happy.

"Full?"

She shrugs. "Getting there."

"What did the doctor say in the ER?" He is amazed at how normal things feel already. Only this morning he was getting news she had been successfully rescued. And at that same time, she was finding out he was alive after thinking he was dead. And now they're sitting together in his hospital room, sharing a meal.

"Broken radius," she shares. "Some broken ribs. Nothing else significant."

He nods. "I'm sorry you got hurt."

She almost laughs. "Of the two of us, you're worse off than I am."

Regarding his injuries, he cannot argue. "Yeah, but I didn't have to spend almost three days locked in a room with untreated injuries thinking you were dead."

She takes a breath. Her eyes well with tears, but she does not cry. "It was the worst three days of my life."

He has finished his half-sandwich. He reaches for her hand. For a moment, he's not sure what to say to her. She won't want an apology. She doesn't need platitudes. He stares at her for a moment, and then knows exactly what to say.

"I love you."

She smiles and squeezes his hand. Her eyes are still brimming with tears, but she is okay. She is the same strong women he fell in love with. She battered and bruised, and she went through hell. But she's a fighter, a survivor.

"I love you so much," she tells him. She leans forward, and then pauses. She stands and moves to sit on the bed beside his hip, facing him.

"What's up?" He whispers.

"I want to talk about our life."

"Our life?" He echoes.

She nods. "The life that we're going to have. You said you want to know what it will be on our wedding day. I want…" She trails off when her voice cracks. "I want that, too. I want to be able to know what our future will be. I want to be able to know you'll be in it."

His heart breaks for her. He can feel her pain. He squeezes her hand. "Kens…"

She shakes her head. "You are the most important thing in my life, Marty," she says. She only uses his first name on very rare occasions. "And I'm not going to risk losing you again." She takes a breath. "So, let's get out. Derek's rescue was our last case."

"Kensi," he tried to cut in, but she doesn't let him.

"Tomorrow I'm going to go talk to Hetty, and I'm going to resign."

It's everything and nothing he wants.

He tugs her closer. "I love you so much," he says. He kisses her. And then when he pulls away, he whispers, "No."

00

 **Kensi**

She pulls back, surprised. "No? What do you mean no?"

"I mean no."

She opens her mouth, closes it, and then opens it again. "This is what you wanted," she argues.

"I thought it was," he admits. He runs a hand through his hair. "Every time you get hurt…or almost get hurt…it kills me. And every time, I want to get out. I want to take you away from this life. I want to find a safe place in this world." He pauses. "But there is no safe place. There are no guarantees."

"But this job-"

"Is dangerous," he finishes for her.

"I don't know if I can do it anymore. Not after…" The tears finally start to fall. Deeks watches them trail down her cheeks. He reaches for her hand again and squeezes. He gives her a minute. She knows he knows exactly how she is feeling.

"I'm so sorry," she says. "I'm so sorry, Deeks. I didn't realize… I thought…" She takes a shuddering breath. Fear weighs heavy on her heart. She feels desperate and guilty. "I didn't understand. I thought I did, but I didn't. I know how you feel now. And you've been feeling like _this_ for a long time…"

He doesn't disagree, but he clarifies. "It's not always this bad, or even usually this bad. The fear fades," he tells her. "Something bad happens, and I panic, and I'm terrified of losing you. But then the fear fades and things are good for a while."

"But something bad always happens."

He nods. "Yes. Probably. And if leaving this job is the best choice for us, then that's what we should do."

She hesitates, confused. "But…"

He smiles. "I don't want you to resign tomorrow. Or next week. Or even next month. I want the fear to fade for you, because I don't want you to regret anything."

She shakes her head. "I won't."

"You might," he counters.

"I don't want to," she counters back, determined.

He smiles, amused at her tenacity. "Kensi, you are the strongest person I've ever known. You don't make decisions out of fear. You don't let fear control you. That's not who you are."

His words take her aback. He knows her better than anyone ever has. She wants to keep arguing, but can't find the words. Part of her knows he is right.

He smiles and squeezes her hand. "I love you."

His words deflate her determination to argue. She is silent for a long moment. Her eyes are hot with tears. She feels lost. "I'm sorry for what I said in the parking garage."

"No," he whispers. "Don't be sorry. You didn't say anything wrong."

"But what I said then, what I _felt_ then was-"

"It was you without the fear you have now," he cuts in. "And that's exactly my point." He squeezes her hand. "Kensi, I want us to have an amazing life together. And I want us to leave NCIS and do something safer. But I don't want us to run _away_ from the life we have now. I want us to leave because we're running _towards_ a different life."

She takes a breath and _hears_ what he is saying to her. She is not quite relieved, but feels a lot less stressed. She offers him a watery smile. "I like that idea. Running towards something else."

"Me, too."

"What will we run towards?"

He shrugs. "We'll have to figure it out."

She is still uncertain. She's always wanted him _and_ the job. She's always wanted both. But in the last few years he's become more important than the job. She wants him more. She just isn't always good at telling him that. And she used to be scared if she gave everything else up that she would screw up and lose him and be left with nothing. Now, however, the fear of losing him outweighs everything else.

"I love you, too," she tells him, responding to his earlier admission. She hesitates for a moment before continuing. "I'm so scared right now. I'm so scared of losing you. I'm scared of making the wrong choice. I'm scared of…" She trails off. She's scared of doing the wrong thing.

He squeezes her hand and regards her for a long moment. They both know how big a deal it is that she is admitting fear.

Kensi takes a cleansing breath. Despite her fear, it feels good to open up to this man she plans on spending the rest of her life with. "I can't lose you."

He smiles. "I promise I'll do everything in my power to stay with you for as long as possible. I will never leave by choice."

The lump in the back of her throat grows as his sincerity. He can't honestly promise her forever, but he can promise to try for forever. She squeezes his hand. "I promise, too."

He smiles at her. "That's what's most important, right? If we're both still here then we're going to figure it all out."

His words make her feel better. A lot better. They will figure this out.

"I wish we had all the answers right now," she admits.

Deeks laughs. "Of course, you do."

She smiles. "We could just go back to your plan. You could just knock me up and-"

"He most certainly can _not_ ," the doctor announces as he enters the room.

Kensi is not one to be easily embarrassed, but now she feels her cheeks heat. She slides off the side of the bed and stands awkwardly beside it.

"Your timing is impeccable as always, doc," Deeks greets.

The doctor ignores them both as he checks Deeks's vitals on the monitor. When he is finished, he turns back to them both. He points a finger at Deeks. "You need to keep your heart rate down. No physical exertion. That means no cardio, no working out at the gym, no exercise that is considered more than a gentle stroll. And no sex."

"But-"

The doctor cuts him off. "For at least six weeks."

"Six weeks?!" Deeks exclaims.

"At least," the doctor answers, before turning to leave the room.

"Can't we at least talk about this?" Deeks calls after him, though he doesn't stop.

Deeks turns to her once the door shuts. "Six weeks?"

Kensi laughs, despite her embarrassment. "At least," she echoes the doctor. She makes a face.

"I'm sorry," he says, both to himself and her.

Kensi settles back into the bedside chair and pulls it close to the bed. "It's okay. You'll make it up to me." She raises an eyebrow.

He smiles. "I will." He reaches for her hand and tugs gently. "Will you come sit with me again?" He asks, trying to get her back onto the bed.

She makes a face. "Maybe once we know your doctor isn't coming back."

He acquiesces, though he makes a face.

She reaches her hand up to run through his hair. "How are you feeling? Tired?"

He purses his lips for a moment while he considers her question. "I'm feeling okay," he tells her.

"You don't need to rest?"

"Not yet. I want to keep talking," he tells her. His eyes are clear and open to her. She can see the love he has for her, the relief he feels that she is safe, and the determination he has that they will figure things out.

She stands and ducks down to kiss him. Then she nudges him over. "Scooch over," she says.

He does so with minimal discomfort. He then smiles widely as she settles in beside him, shoulder to shoulder, both leaning against the raised back of the bed.

He passes her an extra pillow, which she tucks under her broken arm. Then she tilts her head so it leans against his shoulder.

"Maybe you need to rest?" He asks.

"No, I want to talk," she says.

His body moves beside her as he tries not to laugh.

"What?"

He chuckles. "We've come a long way, Kens. Choosing communication over sleeping."

She joins him and laughs. Her good hand finds his and she threads their fingers together. "We have come a long way," she agrees.

He squeezes her hand. "We sure have."

"Now we just need to figure out where we're going now," she says.

"ooh, subtle subject change."

She laughs. "Wasn't trying to be subtle."

"Yes, you're not know for your subtlety."

She laughs again. "I'm just a girl who knows what she wants."

"And what do you want?"

She sobers as she considers his question. "You," she starts. She cocks her head and considers the rest. "Kids. A family. A life where we're both happy and fulfilled."

"Agreed." He sighs. "What do you need to feel happy and fulfilled, apart from us being together and having kids?"

And there's the rub. "I need to feel like I'm helping people."

"Specifically keeping people safe, or any kind of helping? Does it need to be law enforcement? Or could it be helping bring safe drinking water to developing countries?" He asks. There is no judgment or expectation in his tone. He simply wants to know.

Kensi stays silent for a long moment as she considers the question. Her instinct is to say she needs to be in the thick of it, but his question reminds her of her own answer. She needs to help people to feel fulfilled. And maybe that doesn't mean only law enforcement. "I think any kind of helping," she finally answers.

"Okay."

"What about you?"

"I think I don't need to physically keep people safe anymore," he is quicker to answer. "I want to make people's lives better, happier, fuller. And being a cop was important to me for a long time. But I think I've done a lot of good. And maybe now it's someone else's turn."

His answer doesn't surprise her. She's known for a while that he has slowly been losing the fire that fueled his career change towards being a cop after he left law. "That should leave us with a lot of choices," she comments.

"Would you teach?" He asks. Again, there is no judgment and no expectation. He is simply suggesting an option they have never discussed before. And suddenly she almost laughs, because they have been planning a wedding for a year, and planning their lives together for at least two, but never have they sat down to have this conversation until now.

He mistakes her silence for apprehension. "You don't have to even consider it," he says quickly. "I just mean…well, you have mad skills. You could teach Sniping 101. Kicking Ass and Looking Good Doin' It. Lip Reading for-"

She cuts him off with a laugh. "I'd be okay teaching," she says. "But I can't teach here."

"Why not?"

"There's no one to teach here. There'd need to be a federal training facility or base. The closest would be San Diego. And I guess I could stay on base and travel home on weekends, but-"

"You wouldn't want to move to San Diego?"

His question takes her by surprise. She turns to meet his eyes. "Not without you."

He smiles warmly at her. "Who says I'm letting you leave without me?"

"I just… I guess I assumed you would want to stay in Los Angeles. You grew up here."

He squeezes her hand. "Kensi, I would move anywhere with you. San Diego. Washington. Overseas. Oooh! How about Hawaii? Do you think you could get a training job in Hawaii?"

She snorts a laugh. "Not sure how much choice I'd have on location." She cocks her head and stares into his eyes for a long moment. "You'd really move with me?"

"Of course."

"What if it's someplace cold?"

He makes a show of shuddering.

"You hate snow," she points out. "You put up with it when we going snowboarding, but by day three you hate it. And up north, there is snow for months."

He chuckles and leans closer to kiss her. "I'd have you to keep me warm. And I'd probably have to own a lot of winter coats. Hates. Scarves. Gloves. Boots."

She laughs with him, but she's still not convinced he would be happy moving. "What about the bar? You've always wanted to run a bar?"

He waves her off. "I'm a guy. All guys have wanted to run a bar at some time or another. It was something to do that's fun and new. If it doesn't happen here, then maybe it happens somewhere else. And maybe it doesn't happen at all."

"But it was important to you," she points out.

"It was important to have something to do outside of NCIS. If we stay in this life, then I need something separate. But if we move for a new life, I don't need the outlet."

She suddenly understands his need to have the bar in a new light. She had seen it as something he's always wanted, but also as one of his many money-making ideas. She hadn't realized it had been a Band-Aid to allow him to stay working beside her for a little longer.

"Deeks," she whispers. She turns her head and tucks her mouth and nose against his shoulder.

He presses a kiss to her forehead, but stays silent. He gives her the time she needs to feel her feelings. Everything feels deeper now. She wonders if the devastation of losing him will fade completely, or if she will always hold onto a hint of it.

"You'd really move with me?" She whispers. Now that it's out there, it opens up so many options. She had never felt stuck in Los Angeles, but she had felt limited. Like, if she ever wanted to move away from field work, that there wasn't much for her to do. But now…

"We'd move together. Wherever is best for us. Like Hawaii."

She laughs. "What would you do?"

"Surf," he says, purposefully misunderstanding her question.

She laughs again. "For a job?"

"Ah," he says. "Well, if my career as a professional surfer doesn't work out, then…" He purses his lips and seriously considers the question. "I could go back into law. Or find a local police force. There are positions that would require a lot less field work. Or I could open a restaurant down by the water, rent surf boards out the side."

Kensi smiles. "That actually sounds amazing."

"It's one option of a million possibilities. And whatever we pick doesn't have to be permanent. We try something, and if it doesn't work, we move on."

"You're very calm about this," she tells him. She is excited by the possibilities, but she definitely doesn't feel confident about any of them right now.

He leans his head against hers. "I've been having these dreams. Think it's my brain trying to figure things out. All these possible futures. Some good. Some bad." He pauses for a moment. "What I learned is, that there is a happy future out there for us. Probably several. And we have everything we need to figure it out."

His words fill her with confidence she didn't realize had been lacking. They have found each other. They have gone all in. They know they want a life together forever. And now they need to decide together what they want next for their life together. Whatever they pick doesn't need to be permanent. She doesn't need to come up with the right answer on her own. She doesn't need to quit her job and _then_ figure out what's next. She doesn't need to feel limited in Los Angeles. She doesn't have to fear what will happen to them if they leave their jobs and can't have kids. She doesn't need to be afraid to share her feelings with him.

"We have a lot of options to talk about," she says now.

He nods. "A ton."

She turns her head and smirks at him. "Well, I guess we know what we'll be doing for the next six weeks while we can't do anything else."

He laughs. "Don't remind me."

She turns her head and presses a kiss to his cheek. "I'm so glad you're okay and we're here figuring these things out together."

He turns his head to find her lips with his. He kisses her. "Me, too, Kens."

She smiles. She still has some healing to do, but her heart feels stronger already. "We're going to have a great life, Deeks."

"The best," he agrees. "The absolute best."


	8. Chapter 8

**AN – So, I definitely failed in finishing this story before season 10 started. Life then continued to keep me from being able to write. No promises, but I think I'm back on track and will be able to stay on track (at least for the foreseeable future). Thank you to everyone who has reached out with so much awesome support.**

 **This story is now finished! I had a really solid picture in my mind of what this chapter was supposed to look like. But when I sat down to write it last summer, it didn't work. I tried rewriting it a few times, but that didn't work. So, I let the characters lead and this turned into more of an epilogue than a standalone chapter. And I think that's better because nothing is ending for them; it's just beginning. (And it leaves things open for additions to this storyline down the road if anyone is interested AFTER I finish ADLS).**

 **ALDS Update – I am currently refamiliarizing myself with the story. I'm using this as a time to write some oneshots in the ADLS universe of alternate ways for the team to find out about Kensi and Deeks's marriage.**

 **I posted a oneshot called 'Mothers' this week – please check it out if you haven't yet.**

 **00**

 **Deeks**

Deeks dreams about the future. He dreams about himself and Kensi, together and happy. He dreams about all the possibilities they have discussed since their life together had almost come to a screeching halt. His dreams are mostly happy now. He attributes the happiness to the woman sharing his bed.

When he wakes, it's to the knowledge that he is already living his future. The past three weeks have been part of a future that was not guaranteed. He's acutely aware that the past three weeks with Kensi, and every moment now, are a gift. Because their future together could have ended three weeks ago; in more ways than one.

He takes a deep breath as he opens his eyes. He stretches and only winces a little. His recovery is progressing slower than he had expected. He is still tired and sore most of the time. He finds it more comfortable to sleep and easier to breathe propped up, so he's sleeping in an almost sitting position.

Beside him, Kensi is sprawled flat on the mattress. Her broken arm is casted and flung above her head, resting on the pillow. Her other arm is flung outwards, resting against his thigh. Her tank top is slightly twisted, and has risen to expose a few inches of skin along her abdomen. Her bruises have faded away, but he knows her pain has not.

He reaches his hand towards her. He starts with tucking some wayward strands of hair from her face. Then he runs his fingers along her jaw, down her neck and across her clavicle.

She comes awake slowly. She mumbles something unintelligible, that may be a good morning greeting.

She starts to roll towards him and then hisses through her teeth and stops. Both arms go to her middle as she sits up.

"Sorry," he murmurs. He knows how much pain she is still experiencing from her healing ribs.

"S'okay," she says. "I just forget when I wake up."

"Until you move."

She laughs. "Until I move," she agrees. She adjusts so she is sitting facing him, her legs crossed. "How are you feeling?"

He raises an eyebrow. "I don't know. I haven't moved yet."

She laughs again. "We're quite a pair, huh?"

He reaches for her good hand and threads their fingers together. "We're awesome."

"You think we'll be like this when we're in our nineties? Complaining about our aches and pains?"

Deeks smiles. "I'm counting on it."

She smiles back. "Me, too." She squeezes his hand. "Any new dreams?" It's become routine for him to share. Since the accident his mind – probably fueled by pain medication – has been working through an array of options for their future.

"Yup," he says, forcing a serious expression.

Her eyes twinkle, and he knows she knows whatever he is about to say will make her laugh. This has also become a routine. "And?"

"We should both quit law enforcement and go join the circus."

She laughs. "Like a travelling circus?"

"Well, we'd probably have to start off that way, build up our brand, but that would only be a five year plan for a show in Vegas."

She rolls her eyes. "Sounds perfect. What kind of show?"

He purses his lips as her thinks for a moment. "I'm thinking acrobatics and jungle cats. With fire worked in somehow."

"Sounds _so_ much safer than what we do now."

"Think we can add it to the short list?"

"Maybe the bottom of the short list."

He smiles at the amazing woman next to him, who will one day soon be his wife. He is awed, as he is every day, that she not only wants to marry him, but wants to build a new life with him.

He hadn't really understood before. He can't count how many times she had verbalized that she doesn't know any other life. It just took him an overly long time to _hear_ what she was saying.

She really hasn't known anything different. She grew up on marine bases with the strong role model of her father, who served his country. From fifteen on, she had been driven to become an NCIS agent. She had studied criminology in college to help with her career aspirations, and then she had successfully applied to NCIS.

It's all she's ever known.

Though his childhood had been less than stellar, he'd known options. He grown up far from the structure and drive of a military base. He'd been exposed to good people and bad, been exposed to good choices and bad. When he had started college as pre-law, he had kept his options open in case he changed his mind or didn't get accepted into law school. The he had worked as a lawyer before transitioning into law enforcement.

He'd lived in a few different worlds.

And now they were going to transition to a different world – a different life – together.

"There is no one I would rather run away and join the circus with than you," he tells her.

She laughs, though her eyes are sparking with happiness.

Despite the pain and slow physical recovering in the past three weeks, Deeks knows they have made more progress towards their future together in three weeks than the preceding year of their engagement.

He squeezes her hand. "I really can't wait to marry you."

If his subject change takes her by surprise, she doesn't show it. "Me, too."

"We really have to get planning."

She runs her thumb along his ring finger, where a ring will one day rest. "We could just go down to city hall?"

He knows she is only half serious, but plays along. "Today?"

"Eager?"

"Very."

She smiles. She drops his hand and then carefully swings her leg over him so she can sit straddling his lap.

His hands come to rest on her hips.

"I'm eager, too," she admits. She hesitates for a moment before continuing. "I'm really looking forward to calling you my husband."

He smiles. "Me, too."

She smirks. "You're looking forward to calling me your husband?" She jokes.

He huffs a laugh. "My wife," he corrects. A small jolt goes through him. He is _really_ looking forward to calling her his wife.

"Sounds amazing."

"Amazing," he echoes. "So, city hall?"

She runs her hand up his chest. "Maybe not today. Because when we do get married, I want to be able to celebrate." She raises an eyebrow, just in case he doesn't understand her meaning.

He understands immediately. Despite joking and complaining about six sex-less weeks, the injury his body took is more significant than he initially understood. He still can't walk more than two blocks without a rest. He sleeps a lot. And his gorgeous and sexy fiancée sitting in his lap doesn't have the same effect it would have three weeks earlier.

"Three more weeks," he whispers. "And hopefully, no longer than that."

She sighs and runs a hand through his hair. "It's okay if it takes longer." Her hand winds its way down his neck to his chest, and comes to rest over his heart. "You almost died, Marty."

He captures her hand between his chest and his own hand. He enjoys the skin to skin contact. It's a different kind of intimacy between them; one that definitely _won't_ lead to sex right now.

"I'm so glad I'm alive," he whispers. "I'm so glad I get to figure things out with you."

She leans in carefully to kiss him. "I love you so much."

"I love you, too."

00

 **Kensi**

She sits back. Leaning forward to kiss him is worth it, but sustaining the position still causes her ribs to scream in pain. They really are a pair right now. Despite her discomfort, she smiles. She really likes the thought of them together in fifty-something years, old and arthritic, complaining about their aches and pains.

She felt drawn to Deeks since the moment she met him, and she's been certain he's the man she wants to spend her life with for a long time now. But somehow their connection has only strengthened in the past three weeks.

He's alive, despite the odds against him. He loves her enough to make some really big changes for her. He's willing to move, to change jobs, to build a new life. And when he looks at her now, she's pretty sure he sees more than he saw before. She's pretty sure he somehow understands her even more than before.

She's never had anyone look at her the way he does. It makes her feel giddy and happy in a way she will never admit to anyone but him.

"I don't want to get married at city hall," she blurts.

"Okay," he agrees easily.

She makes a face before explaining. "I just…I love you. A lot. And we're only going to do this once. So, we should celebrate it."

"Okay."

She narrows her eyes at his continued agreement.

"I just want to marry you," he says before she can say anything. "Big wedding, small wedding, city hall wedding, I don't care. As long as it's you and me getting married."

"Let's go for a medium sized wedding. I want to stand up and say vows with you and exchange rings. I want to eat really good food. I want to wear a beautiful dress and see you in a tux. I want to dance. I want to celebrate."

"Sounds perfect." He smiles at her. "But you do know it's our wedding, so something will go wrong."

She smiles back. "We'll figure it out."

"We always do."

"We just have to figure out what our future will look like," she points out.

He lifts her hand from his chest and presses a kiss to her palm. "We've got time."

"It stresses me a bit to not have all the answers," she admits.

He huffs a laugh. "I hadn't noticed," he says sarcastically.

She rolls her eyes.

His gaze turns serious, though he is still smiling warmly at her. "I think there isn't just one answer. I think as long as we're together and doing good, then we'll do a lot of different things. Live in a lot of different places. Have different jobs. Help in different ways. Make a number of different marks on the world instead of just one or two big marks. I don't think we'll ever have all the answers. We'll just make choices as they come up. And make the choices together."

She smiles at the thought of not being limited. "I like that. Where should we start?"

His eyes leave hers and his gaze comes to rest somewhere over her shoulder as he thinks. "Well, you could train marines for a year or two at, oh let's say Pearl Harbor."

She snorts a laugh. Living in Hawaii has been a consistent example he's given over the last three weeks.

He chuckles as his eyes come back to hers. "We could live in paradise for a year or two. You could teach. I could run a dive shop. And surf."

She laughs again.

"It would give us some time to decompress. Maybe start a family."

"Mmm, I like that. What's next?"

"Maybe then you apply for the Foreign Services?" It's something they have talked about that Kensi had never thought about before. With her language skills and world knowledge, working at embassies around the world would be a good fit.

"Okay."

"It would be good to do this when the kids are younger."

"How many kids are we talking about exactly?"

"Ten," he dead pans.

She raises an eyebrow. "Want to try that again? Something _not_ in the double digits?"

"But with ten kids we could be the _Deeks Dozen_."

"Or you could be the _Deeks single and alone_."

He laughs before answering her initial request. "Well, we start with one. And then…I think two is a good number. No one is lonely, but we're also not outnumbered."

"You're worried about being outnumbered?"

He fakes a serious look and nods. "Yes! They're our kids, so you know they're going to be smart, stubborn and a little crazy. Plus, they'll be annoying multi-lingual like their mom. Seriously, they'll know more languages than I do before they reach kindergarten. Or whatever the equivalent to kindergarten exists where we're living at the time."

Kensi laughs. "You're probably right. Okay, two is a good number."

His eyes sparkle at her like he's amazed they're actually having this conversation.

"What would you do?" She asks.

"Sometimes there are positions for spouses. Otherwise, I'll raise the kids. And maybe start writing my spy novels."

"Spy novels?" She asks with a laugh. This was new.

He nods. "A beautiful undercover spy falls in love with her handsome new partner. It would practically write itself. What's not to love?"

She is still smiling when she nods. "Okay. So, I'm working at one embassy or another. You're a budding novelist. What next?"

"Well, eventually we'll want to settle back in the States, for the kids. And we'll be rich from my very successful series of novels, which may be made into movies."

She laughs again. "Of course."

"You could go back to school, like we talked about."

"To become a counsellor," she adds, recalling their conversation from last week.

"And get a job counselling veterans with the VA," he finishes.

"I really like that idea." It had come up the previous week and been Deeks's idea. She had always wanted to do more to help veterans, but being able to go back to school had never occurred to her.

"And let's face it, within ten years you'd be running the entire VA," he continues.

"I'm not quite sure that's how it works…"

He waves his hand. "This is not a time for logic. It's for dreaming."

"No more logic," she agrees. "What would you do during this time?"

"Well, I'd continue my writing career. And maybe start a consulting business to look into cold cases? And start a rescue for retired police dogs. The money from the books could fund both."

Her heart tugs in her chest. "You're a good man, Marty Deeks."

"I try." He smiles at her.

"Alright. What next?"

"Well, the kids would be off to college. Scholarships to Ivy League schools, of course."

"Oh, of course," she agrees.

"Then you'd run for President with Nell."

She laughs out loud. It physically hurts her ribs, but it's worth it. "What?"

"The _Blye-Jones Administration_ ," he reminds her.

"I can't believe you remember that."

"I remember everything you say. And I happen to think you two would be perfect to run the country. You'd have my vote."

"Great. One down. A few hundred million to go."

"We'd get there."

"And then?"

"Well, after your second term, you'd retire from politics to run your non-profit."

"What kind of non-profit?"

He thinks for a moment. "Clean drinking water, accessible health care and world peace."

"So, just three small things."

He nods. "And by that point we'd be grandparents. We could ease our way into retirement." He smiles. "So?"

She leans forward to kiss him. "Sounds amazing."

"That or a million other possibilities. We just have to decide where to start and go from there. Life will happen."

"A number of smaller marks on the world," she echoes his earlier words.

"Exactly."

"As long as you're with me, I'm on board for it all."

"Oh, I'm on board. I'm on board for anything and everything. Especially if the board is a surf board. And it's in Hawaii."

She laughs out loud.

He smiles back at her, humour sparkling in his eyes.

"Where do we start?" She asks.

"We finish healing," he says.

"And we plan a wedding," she adds.

"Sounds amazing."


End file.
